Find a way to deal with sibling favouritism
Originally published in 2013.
Dear Annie: My parents have always favoured my oldest brother. My other two siblings and I all feel this way.
My parents and I have never had an easy relationship. While I’ve obeyed their rules, maintained their standards and respected their wishes, I’ve never conformed to their ideals, so I’ve been branded as rebellious. When I confronted them about their favouritism, they denied treating my brother any better than the rest of us. How can I make them realize that they do indeed show favouritism, and that I am not rebellious? Tired of Favouritism
Dear Tired: Those are tough challenges and will likely take a while to accomplish. Parents are reluctant to admit when they favour one child over another and often don’t see it. And it takes time and effort for parents to alter their perceptions of a child’s nature. Talk to your parents politely and ask them to tell you more specifically what they need from you so you can work on it. We hope the honest question will open their minds and allow the relationship to improve.
Dear Annie: I lost my beautiful daughter to suicide six months ago. A strong and able firefighter, she was also active in her community.
Naturally, I leaned on my mother for consolation, but I didn’t find it. It was an effort even to get her to attend my daughter’s memorial service. She said it would be hypocritical to go, because she hadn’t spoken to my daughter for years. I can’t recall what hurt my mother so much that she decided never to speak to my daughter again.
I’m well aware of my mother’s inability to talk about things that cause her pain. My mother told me she doesn’t approve of the way I expressed myself angrily to people who claimed to be friends of my daughter but spread ugly lies about her past. My mother told me to get mental health assistance, and she refuses to speak to me.
I sought advice from a psychologist, who said I simply need time to heal. She thinks my mother is acting unreasonably.
Is there anything I can do to make her understand how painful this is? Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: Our deepest condolences on the loss of your daughter. Your mother sounds incapable of showing sympathy or providing consolation. We can’t make your mother a more compassionate human being, but we recommend that you get grief counselling and find support through The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends. org), an organization for parents whose children have died.