No excuse for Cliff’s deceitful ways
Originally published in 2013.
Dear Annie: I’ve been in love with “Cliff ” for four years. We bought a home together two years ago, but soon after, he became unemployed, angry and spiteful. I tried to tough it out, believing it would eventually get better, but when Cliff became verbally abusive, I took my two kids and left. I asked him if he wanted me to stay, and he said no, he didn’t think things would improve.
We kept trying to fix the relationship, or at least I did. But Cliff was dating other women and lied about it, and the whole thing has become a hurtful mess. I still love Cliff, but don’t know whether I can trust him anymore. My guilt over leaving him and his son to deal with the foreclosure on the house we bought together kills me. He won’t express any anger, even though I can see his resentment. He also won’t address the lies. Is this a lost cause? Love Struck in California
Dear California: You could make excuses for Cliff ’s terrible behaviour by believing his job loss depressed him and he couldn’t cope. But that only underscores a certain level of irresponsibility. When the going gets tough, Cliff lies. Life is filled with tough times, and your partner should be someone you can count on. Cliff doesn’t seem interested in working on your marriage. At some point, you have to make the decisions that are best for you and your children. Professional counselling can help you work through this.
Dear Annie: I recently lost my spouse and now attend a griefsupport group that’s been very helpful. However, there are a couple of members of this group who monopolize the conversation, and worse, repeat the same thing over and over. We also have a new member who attends to support a friend whose husband died, but now we know all about her abusive childhood.
Grief groups work well by sharing pain. Members support one another. This is not possible unless there is an open and caring interchange between members. Perhaps those members who are causing problems will see this. Southern Griever
Dear Southern: Most grief-support groups include a moderator. Although a certain amount of offtopic discussion can be healing, no one should monopolize the sessions so that it prevents others from expressing themselves. If you feel your support group isn’t fulfilling its purpose, please speak to the moderator. Or find a different group. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.