Man-boy needs to grow up

Originally published in 2013

Dear Annie: My boyfriend’s parents are truly wonderful people, but they have taught their son to rely solely on them. He is in his 50s, and they still pay his bills and give him loans, often for “toys” rather than something necessary.

I knew my boyfriend was rather self-centred before we moved in together. We discuss nothing about our household, but he talks to his parents about our finances. When they tell him to do something, he complies, even if I am against it. This is causing problems in our relationship. I am afraid my only option is to leave. I love him, but I feel I could never measure up to his parents, and they will keep him a little boy forever. Our relationship needs to move to the next level, but it is impossible with them hanging on for dear life. Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: A man in his 50s who still expects his parents to pay his bills and buy him toys is not a responsible adult, and we cannot promise he ever will be. Unless you can convince him or his parents that their indulgence is not in his best interests, you will be fighting an uphill battle.

Dear Annie: “K” complained about a neighbour child she fears is “a ticking time bomb.” My son fits nearly every category of her profile. He has difficulty in public and prefers to be by himself. He shows a great interest in guns and has few friends, and we had to move him to a different school because “he didn’t fit in.” My son struggles every day with epilepsy, along with the side-effects of several medications. Children his age can be brutal to those who are different. He withdraws to protect himself. We moved him to a different school because his old one would not provide the resources he needs. Now he can maintain a decent grade point with teachers he respects and likes. I admit that impulse control is not his strong point, but we work with him to learn what is appropriate. If you get to know him, you will find a nice kid with a good sense of humour, a passion for history and genuine empathy. He doesn’t like to see others being mistreated, because he knows how it feels.

Thank you, Annie, for saying, “We also hope you can be his friend.” That’s what my son wants more than anything in the world: someone to accept him for who he is. A Father Who Knows