I’m not eating meat and I’m ... loving it?

Free of the meat shackles that enslaved me, I proudly fly my vegan freedom flag.

... Is what I would say if it were true. I haven’t turned my back on meat (you never know when a pork chop will jump you) but I have made a serious attempt to go meat-free for the past two months.

Am I crazy? Not that I know of, although I’d be the last to know, wouldn’t I? Am I prone to subversive acts that threaten the established systems of power and control? Not really, although I do own five bicycles. Did I get sucked into watching the documentary Forks over Knives and become curious about the health benefits of a plant-based diet? Yes, yes I did. Anyone else craving spinach right now?

Let’s skip to dessert. Do I feel better?

I’m ... not ... sure.

I wish I could say that I can now bench press my weight in carrots, but I didn’t feel all that bad in the first place.

Maybe that in itself is a concern at my advanced age because a lot of nefarious things can be going on inside the body without you knowing about it, which is how a hit man named high blood pressure earned the nickname The Silent Killer.

I do know that I was eating waaaayyy too much red meat. Canada’s Food Guide recommends 2.5 ounces or ½ cup of “cooked fish, shellfish, poultry or lean meat” per day. I could eat that per HOUR. (Stop reading now, but I once cut the fat from a lovely sirloin steak to make sure it was lean for a stir-fry, then fried the fat crispy and hit it with seasoning salt. And, yes, it was absolutely fantastic.) But I was in a rut.

Meal planning was more like meat planning. Sure, I made lots of salads. And not just caesar salad but real salad with those round red things they make ketchup out of and those long, green skinny things that look like zucchini and you can eat raw. But even so, beef, chicken and pork were taking turns driving my dietary convertible on winding roads, and you never knew when they’d miss a turn.

It was time to take the wheel. I found an excellent plant-based diet app loaded with interesting recipes that aren’t too fussy. I haven’t encountered one yet that calls for shallots, which is good; whenever a recipe calls for shallots I get angry because I never have shallots. So here are five things that have surprised me so far.

Cooking is fun again. I discovered jackfruit, of all things. It comes in a can and has a meaty texture and you can make fake pulled pork with it. Haven’t tried it yet — I’ll report back. I did make shepherd’s pie with lentils. It was great. I’m going to try barley next time. I’m still iffy on lentils.

Cross-contamination freedom. Go ahead: Cut up a carrot, then use the same knife to cut up an onion. Such a nice break from being covered with chicken slime and having to find a way to turn on the tap without using my hands and then having to decontaminate the kitchen. If food was that dangerous, why was I eating it?

I know what’s in it! If I made it myself, it doesn’t contain hydrolyzed plant protein, which I’m pretty sure you won’t find beside the celery in the produce section.

Absence of guilt. A bowl of black bean chili just doesn’t haunt my conscience like a rack of baby back ribs. Oh, ribs. I do miss you, I do.

Puzzled People. I admit taking some delight in the naysayers who think I’m going to keel over any second from lack of protein and whatever magical meat juice I’m missing out on. Not saying I won’t, but I haven’t yet. Again, I’ll keep you posted.