Abuse isn’t always physical

Originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: What do you do when your husband controls the money? I’m 68, and for the past 10 years, “Robert” has paid the bills and has hidden the chequebook from me.

Robert told me I need to pay my own bills. He has a retirement income, and he still works. I receive Social Security. I’ve always been thrifty, and although I have a debit card, I’m only allowed to use it for necessary things like groceries. I pay for my clothes, haircuts, etc. I bought a new coat yesterday with my own money.

Robert doesn’t see how his controlling behaviour affects me. Is coping all I can do?

Craving Trust

Dear Craving: Controlling the finances can be a form of abuse. Hiding the chequebook also keeps you in the dark about where Robert’s money is going. There’s no reason to tolerate such behaviour. You’re a full partner in this marriage and are entitled to see the chequebook, the bank statements and any other financial business that concerns you. If you’re afraid of Robert’s reaction, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org).

Dear Annie: I’m in a quandary about my little girl. She believes her mom’s boyfriend is her father, but a DNA test proves that I’m her true biological father. The boyfriend doesn’t know, but just about everyone else does.

My daughter is now six, and I want to tell her the truth. Will I be doing more harm than good?

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Dear Perplexed: If the little girl has a solid and loving relationship with the man she believes is her father, your sudden assumption of that role might be traumatizing for her. You also will be responsible for child support. However, if “everyone else” knows, it’s only a matter of time before the current boyfriend and your child learn the truth.

It’s better if this information comes from her mother in a gentle and compassionate way, so Mom’s support is crucial in making this easier. Please ask the mother to come with you for mediation to see whether you can work on being a part of the child’s life. You can discuss it with your clergyperson or a trained counsellor, or contact your local family court for a referral to a family mediation program.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.