You shouldn’t take reactions personally

Originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: I’m a 54-year-old lesbian in a 23-year relationship. My partner and I have begun to hate travelling. Don’t get me wrong; we love and enjoy exotic places, but dealing with stupid and rude people is getting old.

Our problem has to do with the ladies’ room. We’re often mistaken for men and questioned. I don’t get it. Some women seem shocked by us and occasionally make a scene as if we chose the wrong bathroom. While we don’t wear makeup or frilly clothes, we also don’t wear suits, ties and wingtips. I wear earrings, female clothing and a wedding band set. Think Ellen DeGeneres.

These ignorant women need some education. Please tell them they’re rude and hurtful. If our presence makes them uncomfortable, maybe they should leave the bathroom. Many of the encounters make me feel bad for days. I just want to be left alone. What can I say to nip this in the bud? Santa Cruz, Calif.

Dear California: Unless you want to act super-girlie when you enter a foreign bathroom, there’s not much you can do to head off such an encounter before it happens. Try working on your response instead.

This has nothing to do with you personally. You’re simply bumping into women who don’t often have the opportunity to interact with those who appear to be different — whether in dress or manner — and so they react with various degrees of surprise, some of which can be quite hurtful. Use such encounters to educate these women by ignoring their shock, holding your head up and being exceedingly polite and possibly charming. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.