Children’s time with their father is important

Originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: I have been dating my boyfriend for four years. We both have children from our previous relationships and share custody with our exes. Until recently, we had our kids on the same weekends. Then my boyfriend’s ex decided that her children cannot be here when my 11-year-old son is staying over.

Because my son is the oldest, he tends to be blamed whenever the kids do inappropriate things. But kids pick up all kinds of things in school, from other kids and from other adults. I feel my son is being blamed unfairly. My boyfriend’s ex doesn’t know me or my children. I have heard her children say and do things they shouldn’t be allowed to, but I seem to be the only one who notices. My boyfriend makes excuses for their behaviour, but if my children misbehave, he’s quick to let me know that I need to discipline them.

The major problem is his nine-year-old daughter, who wants to be the centre of attention when she’s around her dad. She becomes upset, demanding and controlling, and she recently began sassing me.

I love his children and take care of them as if they were my own. I understand the need for them to have individual time with their parents, but I’d also like them to learn how to get along with each other. I blame my boyfriend for letting his ex control the situation.

Am I overreacting? Confused and a Little Sad

Dear Confused: You’re on shaky ground when it comes to telling your boyfriend and his ex how to arrange their visitation schedule. It’s not unreasonable for the mother to prefer that her kids have time with Dad without your children around. We think you should try to make friends with the ex so you can work on getting the kids together for holidays and special occasions. They will be less belligerent toward one another (and toward you) if they don’t have to compete for their father’s attention at every visit.