Family circus follows death

Originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: I have a problem with my mother and sister. When I was a child, I often stayed with my grandfather. I loved him fiercely. He died recently, and the last 10 years of his life were terrible. My mother and aunts disregarded his wishes about not wanting to go on life support, forcing him to remain in a partially vegetative state for years.

My sister, “Alice,” inserted herself into this drama. She had to be removed from his bedside when she lashed out at the nurses. Alice submitted the death notice to the local paper without checking with anyone. She left out many family members, who are furious. My aunt (the executor of the will) says I won’t get what my grandfather left me unless I pick sides.

I doubt Alice’s grief is genuine. When I moved away, my aunts paid her to stay with Grandpa, and she told me she was only doing it for the money. My mother and aunts won’t set a date for a memorial. Every family function becomes a three-ring circus. How can I grieve when I’m busy refereeing ?

Broken-hearted

Dear Broken-hearted:

Please don’t focus on how genuine your sister’s grief is. And the executor of an estate doesn’t have the legal right to withhold a bequest. You can talk to your grandfather’s lawyer about that. We know how upsetting this is for you, but you would be better served by staying out of the family fights with as much diplomatic neutrality and distance as you can muster.