The dysfunction stops here

Dear Annie: I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. I have an older sibling who has hated the rest of us for the past 45 years.

Family gatherings are extremely uncomfortable events.

Inappropriate barbs lead to physical fights, young children cry while the adults pretend nothing is amiss, family members spy on one another, there is lots of backstabbing and some relatives are ignored while others are fawned over.

My mother allows her adult children to treat one another like animals and refuses to get involved. I’m tired of this and will no longer let my children witness these destructive behaviours.

Please let other parents know they should work to make their home a welcoming and loving environment.

Is there anything I can do to counteract the hostility at these gatherings?

Too Old for Hate

Dear Too Old: You cannot force your parents and siblings to behave in a civilized manner. The pattern in your family seems fairly well set, and no one else has much interest in changing it. You are smart to realize that your choice is to stay or leave.

Calmly explain to your family why you are walking out (or not attending), and make no apologies. We commend you for recognizing this dysfunction and not transmitting it to your children. But please consider letting the children see some of the relatives one-on-one, under your supervision. Kids are extremely tolerant of strange behaviour in family members and can understand “this is how Grandma is” without emulating her.