It’s time to sort out problems with wife

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 34 years. I changed jobs so I could have better hours and pay and more time with my wife and son. Eighteen months ago, I went on disability due to severe arthritis.

A few years back, I noticed that my wife was coming up with reasons for us not to have sex. She said my work hours kept her up too late, and then she played internet games all night. A year ago, her father died, and she claims she has to stay with Mom five nights a week. In the past eight months, we’ve had sex twice.

I never forget an occasion and bought her lovely gifts for Valentine’s Day, her birthday and our anniversary. She got me nothing. She could have asked her brother to stay with Mom, but didn’t. I spent my birthday alone, without even a phone call. I spent our anniversary watching her play internet games, and when we finally got into bed, she pushed me away, telling me to leave her alone. We had a big argument, and she said she doesn’t love me and only stays because of our 30-year-old son. She also said I need her because of her insurance.

I’m afraid I am going to die alone and in pain. I’m looking at a bottle of pills, wondering whether I should take them and simply get out of her way.

Rejected

Dear Rejected: Please don’t. Your wife isn’t looking to divorce. The main problem is that she’s no longer interested in sex. She believes (and perhaps rightly) that being around you means she will feel pressured to be intimate. So she avoids you by spending time online or with Mom.

The two of you have decisions to make. Is she willing to have sex on occasion? Are you willing to live without it? Are there other accommodations you could reach regarding intimacy? Please discuss these issues honestly and openly. If you find it too difficult to start this conversation, talk to your doctor about a referral to a marriage counsellor.