Movie Wars rage in Sask-Andromeda 5
It was a time of great upheaval in Sask-Andromeda 5 as two bitter foes turned to war.
Using steel-jawed monsters, they scarred the parched, desiccated, dry and not very moist soil to claim their territory. Each side knew its very existence depended on nice buildings and brand new leather recliners.
It was the age of the Movie Wars.
Our sagging saga begins in the year 2018 AV (the Year of our Avengers). The Cineplexians had consolidated their power over a decade of peace. They cleverly used the latest technology to unleash such weapons as UltraAVX to ward off rivals. Nobody knew what Ultra-AVX did, but it was probably awesome, the people of Sask-Andromeda 5 assumed.
Sparing no expense, the Cineplexians turned one of their theatres from “now” to “wow” with a cutting-edge IMAXimus screen that measured a billion centillia from edge to edge. (No one had a centillia ruler, so this claim couldn’t be verified.)
But dark storms were brewing in the outer galaxies, brewing like a cauldron of musty clichés. A sleek new mothership emerged, complete with overly loud orchestral music composed by someone who sounds like John Williams but is willing to work for less.
Inside the ship was a landing party representing planet MarkLand from the far reaches of Oscilloscope 19.
The interlopers claimed an area to the great unexplored east near the Brighton Archipelago. This is where they would make their stand. They built a quite nice theatre and equipped it with an impressive array of armaments: reserved seating, express line for snacks, paperless ticketing.
But their most fearsome weapon was The Seat. Upholstered in dark leather, it reclined. And reclined. And reclined. It reclined so thoroughly that if you didn’t have to watch a movie you could get your teeth cleaned.
And best of all, these seats operated electronically.
Never had the common folk of Sask-Andromeda 5 seen such a wonder.
“You mean, you just push a button?” they asked. “And it reclines ITSELF???” It seemed almost too good to be true.
But as the prophesies foretold in back issues of Variety, the Cineplexians would not sit still and allow this challenge to their authority to go unanswered. They unleashed a brilliant counter attack: they would shore up their southern flank in the forbidden lands of Outer Wildwood.
There, they turned a tattered outpost with not very nice bathrooms into a formidable new movie-watching palace where six of the seven new screens would offer the much sought-after reclining seats.
But the counterattack did not come without collateral damage. The Rainbox, a small, innocent bystander of a theatre, was vaporized to eliminate any hint of competition in the immediate area. Sent scattering were budget-minded Sask-Andromeda 5 film fans who didn’t like paying more than $2 for a movie if they could help it, even if that meant sitting in seats that did not recline, at least not intentionally.
And so the Theatre Wars raged for hundreds of years, with new and better features offered: more leg room, free foot massages, six-course meals, puppy nights, special Movie-and-Acupuncture screenings.
Truly, it was a time of terrible tumult and alliteration. The only thing that didn’t change were the movies themselves, all of which were Star Wars sequels. And the movie lovers of Sask-Andromeda 5 found this to be quite nice, indeed.