Military man treated like a child

Originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: My husband is a high-ranking officer in the military. He has worked hard to achieve his current position and is highly respected.

The problem is, his family treats him like a child. In a few months, there will be a formal ceremony to mark his change of command. My in-laws will be in attendance, and they are certain to embarrass him. They insist on calling him by his unusual childhood nickname (he cringes every time). They talk down to him and give him gifts meant for children, such as books for teen boys (last Christmas), a small child’s backpack (last birthday) and now a child’s piggy bank, which they intend to present to him in front of his unit at the ceremony. These gifts are not intended as jokes. My husband is always gracious on the outside but horrified on the inside.

Is there some way to remind his family that he is indeed an adult and has certainly earned the right to be treated like one? Proud Military Spouse

Dear Spouse: It is difficult to change ingrained behaviour without the co-operation of all the people involved. Your husband apparently has determined that the best way to handle his parents is to leave things as they are. That’s his choice.

While we appreciate your desire to be supportive and protective, you might also be adding to his stress because your reaction is one of anger and embarrassment.

Ask your husband whether he wants you to talk to his parents. If he says no, we urge you to separate their behaviour from his reputation. His patient tolerance of their inappropriateness says many positive things about the strength of his character. Dear Annie: My nephew, “Joe Smith,” has a PHD. He is marrying “Jane Doe,” who will soon be a medical doctor.

What is the proper form of address for her? Would she be Dr. Jane Doe- Smith or Ms. Jane Doe- Smith or something else? When I address an envelope to both of them, do I write Dr. and Dr. Joe Smith or Dr. and Mrs. Joe Smith or The Doctors Joe and Jane Smith? It is difficult to be politically correct these days.

S.

Dear S.: It’s complicated, but not impossible. When introducing either of them, always use “Dr.” If you are using titles when addressing an envelope, it would depend on whether it is formal (“Dr. Jane Smith and Dr. Joe Smith”) or informal (“The Doctors Smith”), and whether she is retaining her maiden name (“Dr. Jane Doe” and “Dr. Joe Smith” on separate lines). If she is hyphenating her name, find out whether she prefers “Dr. Jane Doe- Smith” or “Dr. Jane Smithdoe” and use that. When in doubt, ask what the preference is. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.