Sister uses illness to manipulate

Originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: My older sister, “Johanna,” was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer two years ago. Since then, she seems to have one new “lifelong dream” after another that she expects my brother and me to finance.

My brother has worked hard his entire life and saved his money. He tried helping Johanna with her first dream (a house) with a loan. Her husband initially told Johanna that my brother refused to help, and Johanna told him to “die a miserable death.” She lightened up when she found out the truth. When the bank didn’t approve the deal, she did repay most of the money. I’ve tried to help her, too, but I could not afford to keep giving her money.

Johanna’s latest dream is a hobby farm. She asked my brother to give her $18,000 as an outright gift. He told her no.

Her husband recently asked both of us for money and, as always, made sure to mention that she might die any moment. They have both used her possible death to guilt us into giving her money. I love my sister, but it doesn’t seem right that they use this as a weapon against us.

None of us is wealthy. If I had the cash, I’d give it to her. But I also understand my brother’s point of view. Another sibling took him for a lot of money many

years ago, running up thousands of dollars in credit card debt. There’s a good possibility nothing will come of this hobby farm, and we’d all be out a lot of money — and for what? We aren’t young anymore. What do you advise? Torn Sister

Dear Torn: It’s obvious you want to be a good sister to Johanna. When someone is having health problems, you should be supportive emotionally, offer to cook meals or help with errands. But there’s no obligation to buy them a hobby farm or any other expensive slice of wish fulfilment. Johanna is using her illness to manipulate you, counting on your guilt to get what she wants. Too bad she can’t appreciate what you are already giving her: your love and caring. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.