Daughter needs help with mom

Originally published in 2013.

Dear Annie: After 56 years of marriage, our father passed away and left my mother alone for the first time in her life. Four years after Dad died, Mom suffered a bout of meningitis. While she has recovered completely, she is convinced that she is bedridden. I moved back home to take care of her because no one else would. My younger sister lives in the house with us, but does her own thing.

The problem is, four other siblings live in the same city, and three are retired. Yet no one helps look after Mom but me. Mom has a sharp tongue, but her memory is shot. Even when she is insulting, she doesn’t remember it.

I drive nearly 100 miles a day to and from work. When I get home, I clean the kitchen and make sure Mom has a hot meal while watching TV. I am D.O.T.: disappointed, overwhelmed and tired. My spirit is broken. I don’t spend time with friends. I don’t talk on the phone. I don’t do anything.

I worry that I will die of exhaustion and Mom will be alone. My mother, of course, has no sympathy for my situation. I’m not the executor of her will or a beneficiary. But I would like to enjoy a few years before my life is over.

Tired and Miserable

Dear Tired: You’re kind, compassionate and devoted. But you don’t need to wear yourself out for your mother. That does neither of you any good. Of course, your siblings should step up, but they are not going to do it, so handle this as if you were an only child.

Your mother could benefit from daycare programs, and you need respite care. Contact the AARP (aarp.org) and the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) for information and help. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.