SHARING 10 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT AMERICA ON JULY 4
It’s America’s birthday, which is awkward.
We’re not getting along, America and Canada. We seem to have so little in common anymore. Yet we remain neighbours because it would be too expensive to move.
So it’s uncomfortable when you look over and America is out in the yard cutting its lawn or hitting bull’s-eyes with its AR-15. You know you should wave, but things feel so icky right now.
I’m not sure what caused all this but America wants a better free trade agreement and it’s tired of being pushed around and getting the raw end of the stick, or the short end of the raw hotdog, or whatever the formal term in economics is for wahwah-wah.
So America is increasing tariffs. And Canada has no option but to “countervail,” a tactic used by counter-terrorist Jack Bauer on an old TV show called 24, which starred a Canadian hunk playing an American hero because things like that felt right back then.
But it’s July 4 and Canada has a Facebook reminder: “It’s America’s birthday today. Help them have a great day.” So what the heck, America. Here are 10 things I like about you.
1. Your football insanity
It’s completely beyond reason. The highest paid high school football coach in Texas earned $155,156 last year. He’s not, let’s face it, healing the sick. Your players are blindingly fast and superbly talented and you lose your minds when you watch it. That complete lack of moderation is like being witness to a solar eclipse or moon landing or something unfathomably huge.
2. Your cast iron
When I went shopping for my first cast iron frying pan, I wanted an American-made one because it just felt right. I found a beauty. It’s impossible heavy. Can’t imagine what the tariff would be on it now.
3. Thanksgiving
As holidays go, it’s brilliant. It’s non-denominational. It’s on a Thursday, which swallows the day after. It involves feasting on an unnaturally large bird because America, you’re an unnaturally large bird. And it’s drenched in football.
4. Your cheeseburger
Some say it dates back to 1926 when the suitably surnamed Lionel Sternberger put cheese on a burger. From the mountains to the valleys to the oceans white with foam, fortunes have been made from this simple sandwich, venerated by kings and clowns and girls called Wendy. Try one with an order of Freedom Fries.
5. Beer at the gas station
It hits you every time. You cross the border and fill up and go to pay and there are way too many coolers going on in there. It’s floor-to-ceiling cold beer. American wants you to enjoy liberty, 12 fluid ounces at a time.
6. The Ferris wheel
In an amazing coincidence, it was popularized by a man whose name was also Ferris. It doesn’t even matter if you ride it, just looking at a Ferris wheel puts a smile on your face.
7. Your land mass
Ignoring Tornado Alley and horrible hurricane landfalls and Williston, North Dakota, you know nice real estate when you snatch it: Beachfront in Florida and California, the Grand Canyon. And just to keep things interesting, Hawaii. Pretty astute.
8. Your interstates
Glorious divided highways where you can go 70 or 80 miles an hour and semis have to go slower. Whoever thought this through was a genius.
9. The iphone
I misplaced mine for 10 minutes the other day and almost had a panic attack. Enough said.
10. Your hotdog eating contests Joey Chestnut ate 72 hotdogs in 10 minutes last year. Only a country with a voracious appetite for spectacle could come up with something so outlandish. It’s no coincidence that the word hotdog is used to describe a show-off. Happy Birthday America, you hotdog. Now stop acting like wiener.