COLUMNIST PHONING IT IN
Taking calls on Riders crisis line
Welcome, one and all, to the Saskatchewan Roughriders Crisis Line. Line 1, go ahead. You are on the page ...
Dora from Bora Bora: “Yeah, Ron, what do you think happened with Duron Carter?”
Moderator: “I suspect it was simply the latest case of Carter wearing out his welcome. After a while, coaches reach a threshold and conclude that the sideshows just aren’t worth the hassle anymore. Carter’s phenomenal talent will always get him in the door, but it will inevitably be slammed in his face. Go ahead, Line 2 ...”
Chryssoula from Missoula: “Thanks for faking my call, Bob. Now that Carter is no longer with the Roughriders, what becomes of the offence?”
Moderator: “That is what perplexes me. How, precisely, does this move help the team? Typically, the Riders’ offence is slower than erosion, and now a premier player is suddenly subtracted from the equation. Zach Collaros returns to the lineup, throws a 41-yard touchdown pass to Carter, and a modicum of hope is restored for the offence. Now there are more questions. Caleb Holley looked like a star in the making when he debuted with the Riders in 2016. Since then, however, his performance has been erratic. Can he even come close to giving the Roughriders what Carter offered? Line 3, go ahead ...”
Wilhemina from Ipanema: “Yeah, Ballsy, I’m just wondering: Why does the media give Carter a free pass in all this?”
Moderator: “Well, that would be one more pass than he saw during the first half in Edmonton.” (Faux studio audience erupts in canned laughter.)
Wilhemina from Ipanema: “I’m serious. Don’t evade the question, you (dump button pressed just in time).”
Moderator: “Carter should not be absolved of responsibility. This has been a recurring situation, to the point where everyone should have seen it building. But I’m the one who missed the in-practice fight last season, remember? Coaches, especially ones who are as successful as Jones has been in the CFL, don’t suddenly wake up and decide to cut one of the most talented players in the league. It must have been percolating. Line 4, talk to me ...”
Donald from Mar-a-lago: “Why not trade Carter?”
Moderator: “They would have been dealing from a position of weakness. Why surrender anything, even a low-round draft choice? The mere mention of possibly trading Carter would have been a cue that he was about to be released — whereupon a team could sign him for free. Line 5, you’re up ...”
Murray from Wood Meadows: “Why did the team waste reporters’ time Sunday by inviting them to a media availability at which nothing of substance was said?”
Moderator: “It couldn’t have been the Roughriders, as an entity, disrespecting the media’s time. President-ceo Craig Reynolds, for example, would never operate that way. Neither would any of the exceptional media-relations people with whom I have dealt since 1910. One man, wholly responsible for football operations, decided to keep his reasoning to himself. Period. Line 6, go ahead ...”
Chris from South Pittsburg: “I told y’all — we’re goin’ in a different direction!”
Flustered moderator: “Oh, hey! ... (ahem) ... so, Coach, what’s up with, like, Terrell Owens?”
Chris from South Pittsburg: “As a moderator, you ain’t even moderately successful. (CLICK.)”