It’s time for you to be the bigger person

The column originally appeared in 2013.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He has four children with his ex-wife, who lives nearby. The divorce was not pleasant, and my husband still has a lot of resentment. Neither of us is comfortable around the ex.

So how do I explain to my 30-year-old stepdaughter, “Susie,” that when we have gatherings with his kids, we don’t want to include their mother? Three of their kids live in the area and can visit Mom whenever they wish. When Susie comes into town, all of the kids gather at their mother’s, and she never invites us. That’s fine. But for some reason, Susie feels that since her mother is single and “alone,” she should be invited to our home whenever Susie is in town.

Until now, I’ve been nice about it and included her. But I recently found out that the ex has been saying hurtful things about me to the kids, who apparently don’t defend me. I’ve always made myself available for emergency calls, babysitting the grandchildren, etc. How do I handle the next visit?

No Longer So Nice

Dear No: With kindness. The ex is going to say bitter things, and when her kids are with her, they don’t defend you because it would create a problem with their mother.

We urge you not to make an issue of this. They obviously have a decent relationship with you, and this should not be taken lightly.

It’s also possible that Mom, with her own insecurities, is pressuring Susie.

You don’t have to include her in everything you plan, but please be the bigger person and do so when you can.