Unruly grandchild is not wanted at birthday party

Dear Annie: My grandchildren are six and three. My brother has a step-grandson, also age six, from his wife’s daughter.

Two years ago, at my eldest grandchild’s birthday party, my brother and his wife brought this step-grandson along.

He was not invited because he is an unruly child. He has a mild form of autism. Then his grandmother became upset when my daughter didn’t provide a goody bag for him. My daughter had made only enough for those kids who were invited. My brother’s wife then said, “Make sure to have enough for next year.”

The following year, my daughter, a kind person, prepared an extra goody bag, even though the boy was not invited. He showed up anyway. This year, when my granddaughter had her birthday party, she did not invite any extended family members in order to avoid having this boy in attendance.

The younger child’s birthday is coming up. Is there any way to stop my brother and his wife from bringing this six-year-old with them? We know the boy has problems, and we’ve tried the “open arms” approach, but it always backfires. The boy acts out and ruins the party for the rest of the children. Any advice? Not Unsympathetic

Dear Not: We understand that you don’t want a disruptive child coming to these parties uninvited. But a six-year-old on the autism spectrum can be a handful, and his grandmother undoubtedly doesn’t want him excluded from family functions. It will take some time before he can learn to socialize in a more acceptable manner. We know it’s asking a lot for you to be accommodating, but please try. Perhaps your daughter would consider having a party for her child’s friends, followed later by a cake-and-ice-cream celebration for family members. The family will tolerate the boy’s behaviour better, and the schedule of events will allow the boy to arrive after the other children have left.

Dear Annie: My parents have decided that for their 40th wedding anniversary, they should have a professional photo taken of all of their children and grandchildren. That’s fine. But my mom also insists we all wear jeans and white sweatshirts. I said no. I’d be happy to wear a suit and tie, but no white sweatshirt. I do not look good in white and don’t want to end up in “awkward family photos.”

Mom calls me day and night begging, badgering and asking why I can’t swallow my so-called dignity and “just grin and bear it.” My father moans about how families do things to make each other happy. My parents and I have always had a stormy relationship. I am 30 and don’t want to take orders from them.

If I tell them to give up, they will be disappointed. How do

I get them to leave me alone? Unwilling Son Dear Unwilling: Your parents have a point about going along for the sake of family harmony. After all, it’s their 40th anniversary, and this is a gift to them. You all sound amazingly pigheaded, but there is no reason for such a fuss over a white sweatshirt. Be conciliatory rather than stubborn. Enlist the help of a sibling. Ask your folks to work with you on a compromise. Maybe a beige sweatshirt would do the trick. Or you could all wear holiday scarves to add colour. See what you can come up with.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Need Help,” the 16-year-old who has mood swings, painful headaches and often feels weak. Please advise her to get tested for Lyme disease. This disease can easily go undetected, as the symptoms can be attributed to other causes.

Concerned Reader This Classic Annie’s Mailbox column was originally published in 2013.