Path to recovery challenging, but worthwhile
Sometimes a confluence of events points to a theme. Lately, it’s how people recover from adversity and choose a way out of darkness.
Five months after the Broncos’ team bus disaster, the world again descended on the city of Humboldt as hockey season began. Sixteen families forever grieve their lost loved ones. Thirteen other families support their survivors, some of whom walked away, while others will never walk again.
There is no cookie cutter formula for grief and pain. Every person’s journey is measured in time, tears, better days and worse days. But Humboldt, like the families of the crash, will find a new normal.
September is Recovery Month, when families and people tackling alcohol or drug addiction reflect on how recovery saves lives. This week on my radio show, we talked with Wendy Gore-hickman, the remarkable retired physician, who spoke of her journey through alcohol dependency. She’ll be at Regina’s Recovery Day luncheon next week.
She relates how recovery, like grief, is unique to every person. But whatever form it takes, many addicts recall the moment when they made a choice — decided to move forward or stay mired in shame, helplessness and darkness.
Regina’s event will be chaired by the inimitable Saskatchewan Roughriders broadcaster, Rod Pederson, who recently observed that “recovery is 100 per cent in your head and heart, and your body won’t go where your mind doesn’t push it.”
This reminded me of a recent Diversity Breakfast where Saskatoon police Const. Rob Brown talked of “overcoming challenges and taking responsibility; no matter what hand you are dealt, life is all about choices.”
Life is a one-time offer. If we’re lucky, we’ll get 80 plus years of it. There’s little value in staying bogged down, trapped in the pain of our past, living through the regrets of failed opportunities or hobbling ourselves with recriminations.
It also isn’t healthy to allow others, no matter their intentions, to continually recast us as victims with the message that we are unable to rise above our past or consigning us to generations of suffering. To be sure, the debilitating effects of childhood abuse, addictions, toxic relationships, pain and trauma can be long lasting and intergenerational. But, like a link in a chain, the legacy can be broken and the cycle of despair ended.
The decision to change is not easy. It takes bravery and is often made alone. But its success can be enabled by the rest of us, as supporters, willing to help, hold and listen, and being there for the stumbles along the road to recovery.
A good friend confided about that moment, years ago at a counsellor’s office, when something clicked. The abusive father and dysfunctional family were gone. They couldn’t inflict any more pain.
My friend had a choice — either keep life the way it was or decide to move ahead and live life on his own terms. His power was to know that every future choice would be his.
Like Shakespeare’s line from Macbeth “what is done is done and cannot be undone,” he could not change the past or make others undo what they had done. But he could decide how he would respond to others and how he would treat people.
Poet Maya Angelou observed that while we may encounter many defeats, “you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
This doesn’t mean that the past never happened. Nor does it deny or minimize the injuries or grief of the past, no matter how long ago. But it does mean that we can learn lessons from mistakes and hardship. We can choose to move forward and gain strength through the pain by starting to live our best lives. Gormley is a broadcaster, lawyer, author and former Progressive Conservative MP whose radio talk show is heard weekdays from 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. on 980 CJME Regina and 650 CKOM Saskatoon.