‘Real family’ is the one that raised you

The following column was originally published in 2013

Dear Annie: I’m 14 years old and adopted. As I’ve got older, the feeling of wanting to know my real family has grown stronger. Because my adoption wasn’t open, I can’t meet my biological family.

I know the government means well by these laws, but it makes me feel empty inside.

My adoptive family drives me insane with the excuse, “I can’t tell you much until you’re 18.” Isn’t there something they can tell me?

Can the government really bar me from seeing my birth family? Left Lonely in My Heart

Dear Lonely: First of all, your “real family” is the one that raised you. There are legitimate reasons why birth records are not intended to be seen by kids under age 18.

Reunions with birth parents sometimes work out, but they also can be difficult, unpleasant, depressing and a huge disappointment, especially if you are expecting too much. Teenagers, in particular, often go through emotionally rough waters, becoming upset with their adoptive families and mistakenly believing the biological family would be easier. Your parents are simply trying to protect you. But we understand that this is hard and unsatisfying for you.

There are counsellors who specialize in this field.

Ask your parents to make an appointment for all of you to talk with someone who will assist in figuring out the best way to deal with your frustrations and how much information your parents can give you. They can get a referral from your pediatrician.