Doing separate activities better than resentment

Originally published in 2014

Dear Annie: My husband’s family came to town for a week over the holidays. We made plans to be with them every evening except one. My parents were in the final stages of a job relocation and were leaving town that same weekend. We gave my family the one evening, Sunday, that was not delegated to my in-laws.

My husband’s parents asked us twice to go out to dinner with them and their friends on that same evening. We politely declined both times, explaining that we had plans.

That Sunday morning, we found out that my in-laws had made dinner reservations for us anyway. Somehow, to my husband, this meant we had to reconsider our options. I thought it was extremely rude.

After several hours of arguing, my husband and I compromised by saying we would go to dinner with his parents, eat quickly and then spend the rest of the evening with my parents. Well, dinner was a disaster. One couple was an hour late, and my in-laws insisted on waiting for them. Then, my husband and I, along with his brother, were put at the “children’s” table with three kids under the age of 13.

After we finally managed to leave, we ran to my parents’ house only to find everyone else had gone.

My husband considers this a successful outcome, but I do not. My family was deeply offended by my in-laws’ usurping our only evening together. Am I crazy to think he should have honoured the original plans?

— Still Angry

Dear Still: Your husband is wrong to think your plans should be changed because someone else rearranged them without your knowledge or permission. He obviously wanted to spend time with his family and not yours, which was unfair under the circumstances.

When you agreed to attend his family’s dinner, you also should have set a time to leave and done so, regardless of where you were in the meal.

A better compromise would have been for him to have dinner with his folks while you spent the time with yours. While not ideal, it would have been better than anger, resentment and an argument.

Now let it go. You’ll do better next time.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.