Seeing an ex and hiding it are red flags

This column was originally published in 2014.

Dear Annie: A few years ago, my wife went out of town for a conference. A month after she returned, I was on our computer and noticed that she hadn’t logged out of her email. My curiosity got the best of me, and I saw that she had traded emails with an old boyfriend. I then found out the two of them had met while she was at the conference. One of her last emails to him said, “I still have feelings for you.”

She claimed nothing happened and that they only met for dinner. She said she would never contact him again.

Last year, my wife and I hit a rough patch. I got suspicious of her behaviour and checked her cellphone. I saw she had exchanged multiple texts with the same guy. Again, she claims nothing happened, the texts were innocent and I had no right to snoop.

My wife knows the password to my email, and I never lock my cellphone. All of my communication is an open book. Meanwhile, she now locks her phone and has multiple email accounts.

I understand the need for a little privacy, but I don’t believe you should hide things in a committed relationship. My wife is now angry that I don’t trust her, Broken Up Dear Broken: We don’t trust your wife, either. She promised not to contact this man again and then did so and hid it from you. She locks her phone and has multiple email accounts to which you apparently do not have the passwords. Worse, to deflect blame, she accuses you of snooping. There may not have been a sexual affair, but it definitely sounds like an emotional attachment. Please see a counsellor and ask your wife to come with you. The two of you need to learn how to make your marriage work and regain trust.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.