Try to make amends with sister-in-law
Dear Annie: I am a 66-year-old male. Six months ago, I lost my life partner, my love of 33 years. I was at “Michael’s” hospice bedside 24 hours a day. I always thought I had a good relationship with my partner’s family, especially his sister, “Josephine.” But a few days before his death, Josephine told me, “You haven’t done anything for Michael!” I was stunned, hurt and angry. I asked what she meant, but she refused to discuss it. I lost it at that moment and told her to leave.
To this day, Josephine hasn’t told me what she meant by her comment, and I am reluctant to bring it up and cause more friction. Do I just let it go and wonder forever why she said that, or should I ask her and risk losing all communication forever? I am still hurt and sad. Grieving in Iowa
Dear Grieving: We think Josephine felt frustrated in the face of her brother’s imminent death and took out her frustration on you. This was obviously not appropriate, but it is understandable. She may also feel guilty about it, which increases her need to keep her distance. Asking her to elaborate on her remark would be painful for both of you, and we cannot promise she will be able to articulate her reasoning. Please try to forgive her without demanding any additional explanation.
Dear Annie: When I divorced many years ago, my daughter was two years old. My mother told me never to say anything negative about my ex in front of my daughter, and I never did. But my ex turned my daughter against me anyway. I never received a birthday card, Father’s Day card or anything else from her, and when she turned 13, she sent me a really nasty letter saying I owed her money for a dress. I was always prompt with my child support and paid for my daughter’s health insurance. Since I married my current wife, I’ve stopped hearing from my daughter and grandchildren unless they needed something. I continue to send birthday and Christmas gifts and don’t let their lack of communication get to me. I just wanted to tell you that not every dad is a deadbeat. I tried. It just didn’t work out.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: We commend you for controlling yourself. These days, Mom’s behaviour would be called “parental alienation,” and a judge would get involved. But a 13-year-old who lives with Mom is going to reflect her mother’s attitude. It takes a great deal of effort to overcome that and develop a relationship with your child in spite of Mom’s opposition. Too many non-custodial parents think prompt child support and a birthday gift compensate for limited personal attention. They truly do not.