Sympathy helps with mourning
Dear Annie: This is in response to Confused and Hurting, whose 18-yearold son had taken his life. The family felt the community was snubbing them, as well as their sixth-grader. When my brother died from AIDS 20 years ago, few people in our small town acknowledged his death. My parents were from a generation that didn’t openly discuss their gay children. But I wrote a letter to the editor to our local paper explaining that, yes, my brother was gay, and no matter the cause of his death, we still loved him and mourned his death.
When the paper came out, my parents and I received dozens of phone calls and sympathy cards from friends and even strangers expressing sorrow for our loss. My parents were so grateful for all the support. I think a lot of good people truly didn’t know what to say. I also think the loss of a young man by suicide is so tragic that people have no idea how to comfort his family. The parents of those other children may even have told their kids not to say anything to the little boy about his brother, so they don’t say anything at all. So, readers, if you know this family or any family in this situation, please express your love, caring and sorrow for the loss of their family member. The cause of death doesn’t matter. Feeling Your Pain
Dear Feeling: Our readers have been so kind in their compassionate responses to this grieving family. People do not know how to behave and are worried that expressing sympathy will only remind them of their loss. Read on ...
From Jacksonville, Fla.: Please find the charity to realize that people just don’t know what to say. There are no Hallmark cards for this situation. Perhaps you will find the strength to say to someone, “I remember when you and our son did such-and-such together.” When you can remember and speak of good times, others around you will realize it’s important that your son lived, not how his life ended.
Sending Hugs: Our son died of cancer at the age of 24. After the funeral, we noticed that many people avoided us. We realized that we needed to make the first contact and assure others that we were OK. This seems counterintuitive, but people don’t know what to say after an unspeakable tragedy. When someone in your community suffers the loss of a child for whatever reason, please take the time to reach out to them — not just at the funeral, but ever after. A smile, a kind word, conversation about normal things brings comfort, solace and normalcy into the bereaved parent’s world. Encourage your children to reach out to the sibling who is still living. Teach them compassion.