Coolness does’t have to be deal-breaker

This column was originally published in 2014.

Dear Annie: My boyfriend, “Darrin,” and I have been seeing each other for five years. I love him and feel loved by him. He is affectionate and a great listener. I have grown children who are free to pop in and out of my house whenever they please. We also have many extended family get-togethers throughout the year.

Darrin will ask me about my kids and siblings and seem interested when I talk about them. But he doesn’t seem eager to make them part of his life. He says he doesn’t like big groups, so he rarely goes with me to family get-togethers.

He also doesn’t like to come over when my kids are here and makes no effort to get to know them. When I invite him, he makes up excuses for why he can’t come.

My kids think Darrin is distant and doesn’t care about them. Will he be like this if we marry and live in the same house? Is this something that can be worked through?

Wishing for

More Involvement

Dear Wishing: You need to discuss this directly with Darrin. Tell him you find his lack of interest in your family upsetting and want to know why he doesn’t care to get to know them better.

Your children (not to mention your siblings) are important to you, and should the relationship progress, you want to be certain he will not alienate your family.

Keep in mind, however, that not all people are close to the children and relatives of their significant others. This doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.

What counts is that he not interfere with the level of attachment that you want.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.