HOW TO HANDLE HUMBUG GUESTS.
“Hold your tongue and tolerate the turkey.” This tip has been issued to vegans this Christmas. Whether they’ll follow the sage (and onion) advice remains to be seen. After all, those who stick to a plant-based diet aren’t known for being shy about it. Activist Kate Fowler, from the Veganuary campaign and a vegan for more than 25 years, has written a guide on how to navigate Christmas with the new
Scrooges and Grinches.
1 THE DIET EVANGELIST
Today, the average gathering comes with a menu of dietary requirements as long as Santa’s shopping list, not just from vegans but vegetarians, the dairy-free, those with allergies, pescatarians or even pesca-pescatarians (defined by sitcom Silicon Valley as “one who solely eats fish that eat other fish”). Don’t get us started on people who decide they’re gluten-intolerant for no medical reason.
How to cope: If there’s only one, you’re within your rights to request they bring their own food. If there’s more than one, do your best to accommodate their demands (stuffed peppers, anyone?). Should they still go on and on, pop a dried cranberry in each of your ears.
2 THE WORTHY ECO-WARRIOR
They’re dreaming of a Green Christmas. This means banning wrapping paper and cards, and having sustainable tinsel and solar-powered lights. They’ll go on about how wasteful crackers are, and tut about single-use plastics. What about the carbon footprint of Santa’s sleigh?
How to cope: Put them in charge of the recycling to keep them busy.
3 THE POLITICAL JUNKIE
They’ve become all-consumed by the EU, Brexit, Wexit and Trump. Cue wisecracks about Santa’s elves being migrant workers. How to cope: Take back control (of the conversation). Most families don’t need much excuse for a blazing row, so politely ban political chat for the day.
4 THE SOBER-CURIOUS
SPOILSPORT
They may be on a clean-living wellness kick, training for a mid-life crisis marathon or be a devotee of “mindful drinking.” They’ll have half a glass of fizz, just to toast Christmas, then wrinkle their nose when they take a sip. They’ll make a point of mixing exotic soft drinks involving matcha, turmeric and “non-alcoholic spirit.” They also have an ability to remember what everyone said and did the night before. Why can’t they just do Dry January like everyone else? How to cope: Don’t try to twist their arm. Settle for drinking their share.