Support husband in time of need

This column was originally published in 2015

Dear Annie: My husband’s sister controlled his mother’s finances. “Carol” paid the nursing home with her mother’s credit card and gained reward points, which she used for vacations while Mom was still alive.

My husband was the one who handled doctor visits, brought Mom to our home for dinner and did all of the necessary errands. Carol told me she would not care for Mom if her money ran out.

When Mom died, she left a small estate that took Carol over a year to distribute, and she kept a few thousand dollars in a separate account. Carol recently announced that she is going to have a memorial for Mom, and we would rent a nice cottage on a lake so we could scatter Mom’s ashes where she had enjoyed many summers. That’s fine.

But Carol proceeded to put a deposit down on a big cottage, made a list of everyone she wanted to attend and then informed my husband that we would have to get our own cottage at our own expense.

I have never seen my husband so angry and upset. Once he had calmed down, I suggested he call Carol and tell her off. Instead, he said this is just her personality and to forget about it.

My husband has always been the whipping boy for Carol. He tells me to find it in my heart to forgive, but I’m tired of forgiving this type of cruel and selfish behaviour.

I refuse to go to this memorial, because I view it as one last vacation on Mom’s dime.

I told my husband to go without me, but I know I’ll resent it if he goes and he’ll resent me if he stays. I really need some help dealing with this last slap in the face.

Stunned Once Again Dear Stunned: You are thinking of this as a favour for Carol, but it is really for your husband. He wants to attend the memorial and have your emotional support.

By refusing, you are only hurting him. Carol won’t care whether you are there or not.

We agree that she is behaving terribly, but it serves no purpose to rile up your husband by emphasizing Carol’s mistreatment and selfishness.

It won’t change her. It will only make your husband more unhappy. Please go with him and let him deal with Carol as he chooses.