Daughter may lose inheritance

This column was originally published in 2015.

Dear Annie: I am an 83-yearold widow in good health. My daughter lives about two hours away. She is 50 and well educated and has been in a long-term relationship with an older retired man. She does a lot of caregiving for him and his family members.

Three years ago, my daughter lost her job during an economic downturn and has made no attempt to find other employment. I have been giving her money every month and paid for a course in massage therapy, but she has not attempted to find a job in that field. She received insurance money to repair her home when it flooded over the winter, but she hasn’t done the repairs. Instead, she camps out at her boyfriend’s apartment. When I ask, she will come help me with certain things.

She is my only child, and there are no other close relatives. I am not wealthy, but am comfortable.

My daughter will inherit trust money and my house when I die, and this bothers me. I don’t want what my husband and I worked and planned for to eventually go to her boyfriend and his family.

I am thinking of changing the trust, leaving her a fixed amount and giving the rest to a charity. Are there other alternatives?

A.

Dear A.: There are always alternatives. You could leave your daughter the house and trust only under certain conditions, in order to exclude the boyfriend and his family, although that won’t necessarily change how your daughter chooses to live her life.

But there is also nothing wrong with giving some (or all) of your money to a charity that would appreciate it.

Please talk to an estate attorney, who will help you figure out the various possibilities and put them in writing.

Dear Annie: I need to know whether I was out of line. My husband and I have been friends with “Nancy” for years.

Last Christmas, she sent us pyjamas as a gift. I called her and left a message saying we have never worn pyjamas, and not only that, but I am not a size 3x. I wrote her a note and told her I returned the pyjamas for something I like better.

We haven’t heard from her or her husband since. Did I behave improperly? Is this a reason to end a long friendship?

C.

Dear C.: When someone gives you a gift, you don’t tell them you dislike it, it’s the wrong size, you never wear such things or that you had to return it.

It sounds rude and ungrateful, and we don’t believe you intended to come across that way. Instead, you simply say, “Thank you for your thoughtfulness. It was kind of you to remember us.” And then you get to do whatever you like with the gift.

If you value this friendship and want to mend fences, call or write Nancy.

Say that you are terribly sorry to have been so ill mannered when thanking them for their gift, and you hope they will forgive you. We hope they will, too. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.