Sex addict needs more work to heal

The following column was originally published in 2015, before the coronavirus pandemic.

Dear Annie: Not long ago, I discovered that my husband of 25 years was living a secret life. This life included pornography, voyeurism, physical affairs, emotional affairs and flirtations with hundreds of women he met through his sales job. Many of the women thought he was going to divorce me, even though he was manipulating them to get his fix. He is a sex addict. At that point, I stayed with him for the sake of our children.

My husband says his addiction started after he was abused as a child. He shared with me that he used lust, fantasy and sex to numb his pain and the belief that he was deeply flawed. As he is learning to deal with his trauma, I have given him mountains of grace, though he raged and verbally attacked me. Lately, he’s doing significantly better attending meetings of Sex Addicts Anonymous.

My husband claims he has been in recovery for 18 months, but he has yet to disclose everything he did, and I have come across evidence he is still looking at racy photos on his phone. I am out of patience. Anytime I start to build trust, I discover he’s still lying. What should I do?

Want My Husband to Stop Lusting

Dear Want: Recovery from any addiction takes time, and there are often relapses. But your husband may need to put a bit more effort into reassuring you his progress is sincere, and you are the only one who can determine whether you’ve had enough. He isn’t the only one who needs help. Please look into COSA (cosa-recovery.org), a support group for those whose lives have been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behaviour. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.