It may be time to cut mother some slack

The following column was originally published in 2015, before the pandemic.

Dear Annie: My mother is 83 years old. She wants to speak to me daily, but only to hear herself talk. She lists ingredients for the stew she is making, items on the menu at the restaurant she was at, the play-by-play about a TV show or silly details about the neighbour’s daughter’s ex-husband’s mother. If I have some kind of urgent message, I have to say her name loudly several times to get her to pause long enough for me to insert why I am calling.

Her hearing has faltered in recent months, but I guarantee you that the problem is more about her self-centredness than her ears. When she was younger, she would be mortified to display such obnoxious behaviour, but whenever my father, siblings or I gently try to suggest alternatives, she gets defensive and says we are just being hurtful.

We know this incessant talking about herself is why her few remaining friends rarely call. When we ask whether she calls them, she claims she is too busy. I feel bad about avoiding her calls. But, Annie, I work from home, care for my large family and have other responsibilities. How do I bring this up so she will listen? I’d also encourage anyone reading this to ask themselves whether they do all the talking and if so, to pay more attention to the person on the other end. Stressed on the Line

Dear Stressed: Let’s start with the presumption your mother is a bit self-centred. Then let’s add that she also is hard of hearing, losing her friends and possibly developing some age-related functioning issues. All of these factors can increase her fear of getting older, her stubbornness in accepting her limitations and her overreliance on the rest of you to provide companionship, conversation and comfort, as well as tolerance for her shortcomings. It also means she may be unwilling to accept anything you say about it.

Ask whether you can accompany your mother to her next doctor’s appointment. Mention these things to the physician and request a referral to a geriatrician. Tell her you love her and it’s time she saw someone trained to help her live a longer and healthier life. For the rest, please be as patient as you can manage.

Dear Annie: I’d like to second the recommendation from Papillion, Neb., about getting the shingles vaccine. I contacted shingles four years ago on one side of my face and up into my hair. The nerves on my face are damaged, I have pain and itch every day.

Anyone who has not had the shingles shot, please get it, even if your insurance doesn’t cover the cost. I hesitated, thinking it would not happen to me. I was wrong. I have since got the shot because my doctor says if I get shingles again (it can happen), it won’t be as bad. It is the most horrible pain I ever experienced.

Greensburg, Penn.

Dear Greensburg: Thanks for the backup. According to the CDC, anyone older than 60 should speak to their doctor about the shingles vaccine, which is effective for six years.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.