The Pop One Per Cent

Sharp - - GUIDE -

How to talk shop about the al­bums that reigned over your news­feed this year A dis­jointed, sur­real, ever-chang­ing opus that sounds about as con­fused as its au­thor. “Well, he’s still work­ing on the al­bum, so I’ll re­serve my judg­ment un­til it’s done.”

Twenty tracks of down­beat in­tro­spec­tion that failed to live up to the hype, but nev­er­the­less de­stroyed just about ev­ery chart record.

“It’s the kind of record that makes you miss the girl you didn’t wave back to in the third grade.”

A stag­ger­ing ar­ray of edgy col­lab­o­ra­tions (Jack White, James Blake, Ken­drick La­mar) show­cas­ing the fu­ri­ous glory of a woman done wrong.

“Can’t wait for Jay-z’s fol­low-up banger about sleep­ing on a couch that costs more than a Bu­gatti.” The R&B crooner comes out of hid­ing with a dis­arm­ingly min­i­mal­ist, in­tensely emo­tional para­dox of a record. “It’s ba­si­cally a cry­ing Jor­dan face in au­ral form.” The singer’s most in­ten­tion­ally non­com­mer­cial al­bum yet, full of weedy vibes, muted beats, and gar­bled gib­ber­ish.

“Once Ri­hanna fin­ishes the lyrics to ‘Work,’ she’ll have a real hit on her hands, which we’ll promptly for­get be­cause Bey­oncé”

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