The son-in-law’s new woman
MONDAY, MAY 8, 2017
Dear Annie: Our only child died of a quickly moving cancer. She left a husband and four teenage children. Less than one year after her death, our son-in-law, “Ben,” was captured by a woman less than 10 years older than our eldest grandchild. This woman, “Meredith,” was married at the time and has a very young child of her own.
Our grandchildren have no choice but to accept her. They love their dad. He wants to pretend everything is as it was. If I am not nice to her, he gets angry, so we sit with them at the kids’ sporting events. I do not go to the house, as he has had her sleeping in our daughter’s bed. Meredith is now divorced but shares custody of her son. She obviously did not want to completely parent her child; meanwhile, we cannot see ours. I am angry. Yes, I am in counseling.
Please ask any of your readers who have recently lost a spouse to consider being gentle with the shattered feelings of their in-laws. Ask them not to force continual socialization with someone who has been put in the place of their dead child. No one can take her place, certainly not in a period of less than two years. — Still-grieving Parent
Dear Still: Thank you very much for this letter. You are bringing awareness to the pain and grief you are feeling. I am so sorry for your loss.
It does sound as if your son-in-law is being incredibly insensitive, but perhaps this is how he is dealing with his grief — suppressing it, pretending nothing happened. It’s not healthy, and just because he is able to do that does not mean that you should. If you don’t want to sit with his new partner at social settings, don’t! Tell him that you are just not ready yet. Be patient with your grief. It will take longer to heal if you are constantly being bombarded with the reminder that your daughter is no longer there.
Additionally, ask your son-in-law whether you and your husband could have some quality time alone with your grandchildren. Make sure you don’t attack his new partner; rather, say it’s more a matter of missing your daughter.
Dear Annie: I recently had some family members on holiday staying at my house. A day after they left, I received a text message that they had forgotten an item that they wanted. I found the item, took it to Fedex and, for $48, had it shipped. It arrived safely, and they were relieved. Should they offer to reimburse me the $48? — Holding the Bill
Dear Holding: They should, but that doesn’t mean they will. My guess is they have no idea how pricey the shipping was. Perhaps you could send them a note saying something to the effect of, “So glad it reached you safely! I’ve included the Fedex receipt. Thank you!” If you’d like to be reimbursed, you’ll have to take the initiative.
Dear Annie: My situation is the classic example you would find in a college psychiatry textbook in a chapter dealing with mental cause and effect, and your input to solve it is necessary.
Recently, I had serious financial and medical setbacks, including being informed that I must wear a urinary collection bag 24/7. Then I erupted by email at one of my seven mature children over some inconsequential issue and said some nasty words over things that basically had nothing to do with what my son had emailed me about. After several disgusting retorts back and forth, I forwarded the chain to the other six children and got some very bad comments from several of them.
As a result of their (justifiable) outrage, I have not had any contact with three of these adult children for several years now. I have sent what I intended to be sincere apologies and begged for forgiveness, suggesting they recall all the good times of our past. And I accepted all of the blame for the original heated email exchange between my son and me.
I now realize that my lashing out had nothing to do with the actual words that were being said but instead was a result of my subconsciously feeling the need to lash out at the first person who crossed me.
Would a third party be the best way for a final solution to bring the entire family back together? Might one of the four children who are still talking to me act as a mediator, or might they receive the same coldness from their siblings because of their contact with me?
If not one of the four children, who else might you suggest to act as a third party to resolve this? I have done all that I can do, with zero responses! I am in my 90s, and I do not want this complete deprivation of contact with my family members in my very late years, especially considering that I had so many decades of great relationships with all of them before. — Puzzled Great-grandpa
Dear Puzzled: Kudos for stepping up and taking the blame. That’s not easy. Your children either didn’t fully believe your apology to be sincere or weren’t ready to hear it. Try getting the whole family together in person so you can state again how sorry you are, and enlist the help of a counselor or a religious adviser for mediation. But let go of any expectations. Prepare yourself mentally for the fact that these three children still may not want to hear it. Focus instead on what you can control: your attitude.
Dear Annie: This is in response to “Daughter in Distress,” whose mother is in a care facility because of Alzheimer’s disease.
Wanting to go home is common with Alzheimer’s patients. Do not give in. Your role is to be a daughter. You cannot do that and be a caregiver without exhausting yourself.
No one else can be her daughter. Others can be caretakers.
Some care facilities allow the spouse to cuddle the patient in bed. This could be a way to calm her until she falls asleep. — Speaking From My Experience
Dear Speaking: I’m printing your letter here for the sake of “Daughter in Distress” and anyone else coping with the transition of having a parent move in to a care facility. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.