Suspicious of Dad’s girlfriend

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14, 2017

Dear Annie: Two years after my mentally ill mother passed away, my retired 76-year-old father, “Juan,” started dating a 61-year-old woman, “Lucy.” At first, Lucy was friendly to my sister and me, and we hoped we could fill a gap, because she was estranged from her own family and had lost her previous husband in a tragic New Year’s Eve accident years prior. She has no children of her own. My family, including my three children, was welcoming. My father is kind and generous to Lucy with trips and gifts, and it’s good he has someone who brings that out in him.

But now, as the relationship has progressed, they are shutting us out of their lives. Lucy has caused rifts between us with gossip and talking behind our backs. She persuaded him to buy a house and move away from his network of friends and family. She pushed my father into using my sister’s and my trust assets to buy said house, and she doesn’t actually live with my father. He’s rented her an apartment of her own for three years now. She says she can’t move in yet because she’s “still cleaning out” her current place. Yet my dad just revised the deed to give her the house upon his passing.

My sister and I question Lucy’s intentions, and we’re worried she’s using my dad. Our small family is now divided in a way I never thought possible. Any suggestions about how to salvage the relationship with my father without causing his girlfriend to further isolate him from my sister and me? — Looking to Bridge the Girlfriend Divide

Dear Looking: Sharks can smell blood from a mile away. Your father has probably been hurting and feeling lonely for a long time. He was vulnerable. I’m not prepared to declare Lucy a shark just based on your letter; it’s possible that she truly loves your father and you and she just have your differences. If she’s a shark, her fins will surface in time. In the meantime, consult a lawyer to explore any legal options you might have should things with Lucy and your dad escalate. Even more importantly, be as much a part of your dad’s life as possible so that he is not isolated. Take him to lunch, or go for walks together. The more he feels connected to family the less dependent he will be on his girlfriend.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Worried Times Two,” who were concerned about their potentially unsafe ex-daughter-in-law’s having custody of their grandchildren. You may be interested in suggesting that in this situation, their son could ask the judge or magistrate to appoint a special advocate. It would be in the best interest of the children. Court-appointed special guardians can do amazingly thorough investigations and make recommendations to the court. I felt very sad about the situation described and have been involved over the past 24 years as an advocate in similar situations. I would like these children to get the help they need. — Court-appointed Special Advocate/guardian Ad Litem

Dear CASA/GAL: I appreciate your bringing such a great resource to my attention. Thank you. Those interested in having an advocate appointed can visit http://www.casaforchildren.org for more information.

Dear Annie: I’m in my late 20s, and I live with three roommates. We were friends before moving in together — and we still are, although I’m concerned about what may happen in that respect. Lately, we’ve been having some roommate drama, and I’m hoping to defuse the situation.

The epicenter of all the drama is, predictably, the kitchen.

One roommate, “Wendy,” leaves dishes in the sink for days at a time — which I wouldn’t even mind that much, except that she eventually forgets they’re hers and then refuses to do them. One of us (most recently, I did) will say something to the effect of: “I think those are your dishes from the other night. Would you mind cleaning up before I have company over tomorrow night?”

Wendy not only denies that they’re her dishes but also seems a little offended and bemused by the question.

At first, the other clean-freak roommate and I would just say forget it and do her dishes ourselves, but I’m getting tired of it. I hate doing my own dishes, let alone someone else’s.

I wish I were financially stable enough to afford a place of my own, but if I want to start putting a decent amount of money in my savings account, having roommates seems like the best option. Any advice on harmonizing this household? — Deep in Dishes

Dear Deep: The key is to scrub any ambiguity from the situation. If forgetfulness is the issue, then ensure that dishes are done before there’s any time to forget. Make it a house rule that no dish can be left in the sink overnight. You might also consider using your own flatware and bowls so there’s no confusion as to whose crusty cereal bowl has been growing fuzz over the past week.

Remember that the war of the dishes has raged since the dawn of roommates, and it shows no signs of dying down. So don’t go wasting all your energy on it.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.