Solving family money fights
1. Meet in a neutral place. People tend to keep their voices down and control their anger more when they're not at home, says state district court judge John Roach in Collin County, Texas. Roach is the coauthor, with his wife, Laura, of "Divorce in Peace: Alternatives to War From a Judge and Lawyer" (Wheatmark, 2016). A casual restaurant is a good venue, Roach says.
Or talk while walking in a natural setting such as a park, says Holly Gillian Kindel, a certified financial planner with Mosaic Financial Partners in San Francisco. "Studies find people are better able to process information and come up with creative ideas while engaged in physical activity in nature," she explains.
2. Focus on one topic. "Too many people try to tackle too much at once," Roach notes. If you and your siblings have to deal with a parent's daily care, for instance, focus first on what it will cost and how you'll pay. Later, discuss who will oversee the care.
3. Hire a pro. If the issue is a particularly contentious one, hiring a neutral person, such as a financial planner or CPA, can help keep conversations on track. The facilitator can also take responsibility for assigning tasks or requiring parties to share documents. "Having a pro involved takes the pressure off of you," says Robert Karn, a wealth manager based in Farmington, Connecticut. "Let him be the bad guy."
4. Listen actively. "Mirroring what someone said in your own words allows them to feel heard and to say whether you're understanding each other," says Jennifer Safian, a divorce mediator based in New York City.
5. Be respectful. "When someone's talking, we tend to anticipate what they're about to say and interrupt them," Roach says. "Conversations break down at that moment." Fight the temptation and wait your turn.
6. Agree to disagree. No amount of talking can guarantee that you'll get another person to see things your way, Roach says. When you reach an impasse, you sometimes have to be prepared to let it go and move on.
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