Literary giant
Montgomery’s aunt and uncle, Bud and Vivian Green Gables.
My takeaway from this visit was that, as with oversized everyday objects, there’s a market in literary tourism.
Which got me thinking of my own town here in Stanstead. We need something to draw tourists off the highway. Sure, we have the Stone Circle, but that’s essentially a miniature version of Stonehenge, and no one wants to see small versions of normal-sized things; just ask my old girlfriends. (BA-DUM-TISHHH!)
What we need in Stanstead is something big, both physically and culturally, something beloved yet awe-inspiring, famous yet approachable, imposing but cuddly.
Stanstead should construct a giant Louise Penny.
The award-winning mystery writer is big internationally, so why not make her big in Stanstead? Plus, Louise Penny has built her fame around novels set in a fictionalized Eastern Townships, therefore it’s only fair that the real Eastern Townships should build some fame around a fictionalized Louise Penny.
I know what you’re thinking: “When are sock garters going to make a comeback?” But I bet you’re also thinking that Penny’s Inspector Gamache mysteries are set in a fictionalized Knowlton area, nowhere near Stanstead. I’m sorry, but Knowlton already has the real Louise Penny and the Louise Penny tourist maps and the adorable ducks and an actual, legitimate book store! DOES KNOWLTON HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING?
I apologize for the outburst. I’m confident that this would never happen if I had the calming presence of a giant Louise Penny nearby, which, unlike the normal-sized Louise Penny, would be impervious to cold and critics.
We could erect our giant Louise Penny – the World’s Largest Louise Penny! – right next to the American border, the author’s eyes fixed resolutely on U.S. markets and acclaim, which are the only markets and acclaim that matter.
But let’s not get too political about this. The point is that it’s a giant Louise Penny for all to enjoy. Children could climb on Louise Penny, which, as with lobster, they should not be allowed to do in real life.
Because this will be the World’s Largest Louise Penny (and we want it to stay that way), it will have to be really, really big, so big that people could go inside Louise Penny. Imagine a doorway in Louise Penny’s shin leading to a staircase up to her abdomen. Obviously there’d be a book store there, a café serving biscotti and Gamache goulash, and of course a team of detectives on call 24/7.
Up a further set of stairs, tourists could witness a murder scene in Louise Penny’s neck, daily at 1 and 3:30 p.m. For an extra fee, you could stand on top of Louise Penny’s head to scan the landscape – the literary landscape, if you will, though you probably won’t.
The gift shop would do brisk business selling penny candy, penny loafers, Louise Penny pens. Who-donuts. T-shirt that read, “I Climbed to the Top of Louise Penny and All I Got Was This Lousy Deusex-machina.”
Intriguingly, it would be easy to get into Louise Penny, but how to get out? A bit of a mystery.
People pulling off the highway to take pictures of Louise Penny, families picnicking in the shade of Louise Penny, overnighters staying at the Dead Cold Motel beside Louise Penny – ah, yes, a giant Louise Penny is exactly what Stanstead needs.
Either that or an inflatable Donald Sutherland.