Rally Round the Flag Boys!
– President Donald Trump signed an executive order early Wednesday authorizing a new wording of the United States Pledge of Allegiance. The pledge, which is traditionally used on formal occasions such as the awarding of citizenship, banquets, the opening of Congress and the start of the school day, will now read: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America or else, and to the Republic for which it stands, you SOBS, one nation under God, mostly indivisible, with liberty and justice for the people who really count.”
Inside sources at the White House confirmed that the President will ask Congress to authorize the new version at a later date and in addition legally require that the pledge be recited in all American households prior to breakfast. Refusal to comply with the order will result in the loss of citizenship for anyone unable to prove that their family has resided in the country for less than three generations.
When contacted Wednesday afternoon, Senate Majority Leader, Republican Mitch Mcconnell, said the President was, “. . .merely reacting in an appropriate manner to the growing number of athletes who disrespect the flag. They have to be brought into line or who knows, the next thing they’ll be trashing apple pie and motherhood.”
For his part, Senate Minority Leader, Democrat Chuck Shumer, said, “The President may have made a mistake here. Not that we Democrats agree with taking a knee while the National Anthem is being played, you understand. Patriotism is just as important to us as the Tea party. Why just last week the caucus agreed to send a strongly worded letter to NFL owners saying they probably shouldn’t let this sort of thing happen, at least not on camera.”
Reaction elsewhere in the country was mixed. In Hollywood long-time Democrat activist Billy Crystal announced he would never headline in a Trump casino ever again. Singer Willie Nelson, while rolling his first smoke of the day, said, “Good luck on enforcing that one. Hell, I don’t even eat breakfast.” And actress Meryl Streep announced she would never consider playing the role of Ivana even if it meant another Academy Award.
Government insiders were quick to point out that there would likely be an immediate court challenge to the President’s latest executive order and suggested that the Republican majority in both the House and Senate were unlikely to “go to the mat” on this one, just as they refused to back Trump on health care, travel bans on select Muslim countries, the Mexican wall, immigration quotas, voting restrictions, dismantling the EPA and pretty well everything else he has changed by executive order.
There was, however, some support for the proposed changes. A representative from the Ku Klux Klan said, “It’s about time somebody stood up and defended our country. I’d wrap myself in the flag ‘cept I’m already wearing this here robe.” And a spokesperson for the NRA suggested that “The kind of dissent we are seeing at football, basketball and baseball games can be traced to the same people who say that more than five guns in a household is excessive.”
Further reaction from the Whitehouse is expected when the President issues his morning tweet.
(*Fake News Press)