When family doesn’t visit

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2017

Dear Annie: My husband and I are retired. We are in our 70s, and he is in poor health. He has cancer. But the problem I’m writing to you about is that he does not get visits or calls from his family on a regular basis unless he’s in the hospital. They live in the same town as we do. When I was younger, my parents shamed me into visiting twice a month. I didn’t mind, because it was the right thing to do. How do we approach this problem. Shame them? — Looking for the Right Words

Dear Looking: Don’t play the shame game. Be direct. It’s possible his family members don’t realize no one’s calling or visiting; everyone may just assume another member of the family is staying in close touch. Tell them how much it would mean to your husband if they visited more often and not only when he’s in the hospital. They’re not just your husband’s family; they’re your family, too. And we all sometimes need family to remind us of what’s important.

Dear Annie: My daughter and I had lunch today at a very nice pizza cafe we frequent. Three booths away were a couple and a boy of about 8 or 9. The woman started to berate the child. Apparently, she asked him to get a plate, and the plate was too small. She very loudly screamed, “How can you be so stupid to get such a small plate!” She went on and on. I walked by the booth, and both the boy and the man were staring silently at their plates. The woman continued for at least 15 minutes. She told him she was going to shave his head! The child began crying. It was such verbal abuse that I couldn’t eat my food. Then the boy yelled, “I don’t even want to be in this family!” Other diners began to notice. She finally left the restaurant, with the man and the boy trailing behind. What must this kid’s life be like behind closed doors? I wanted to do something. I wanted to call the police; it was so horrible. Should I have spoken to her? — Wish I Were With Child Protective Services

Dear WIWWCPS: It’s difficult to know what to do when witnessing such situations unfolding. The best course depends on the scenario. If it’s merely an exasperated mom raising her voice at her child in the grocery, try to empathize. Every parent has been there, and in such moments of frustration, support can go much further than judgment. That might mean offering assistance (carrying groceries, cleaning up a spill, etc.) or just a sympathetic smile.

In more extreme situations, use caution. Experts recommend not confronting the parent yourself if you can avoid it. Instead, seek out a security guard or, in cases of physical abuse, call 911 and try to monitor the situation from a distance until authorities arrive. Take down the license plate number or other relevant information. If you find that you must intervene in the moment to protect the child’s safety, proceed as gingerly as possible and try to be kind to the parent. That may sound counterintuitive, but it’s the best way to de-escalate the situation.

Dear Annie: My father-in-law and mother-in-law died a couple of years ago, months apart from each other. When it came to settling the estate, the will stated in clear and precise terms that everything was to be divided 50-50 between my sister-in-law, “Jackie,” and my wife. We did as they requested.

A few months later, Jackie contacted my wife saying she had discovered $110,000 in cash stashed away in their parents’ house. (My father-in-law had a distrust of banks, given that he grew up during the Depression, and he told me that he always kept a large amount of money handy for “financial emergencies.”) My wife was given her share of the cash, $55,000. The found money was timely because my daughter was getting married, and we had some bills of our own that needed paying.

A year later, Jackie contacted my wife to say that we need to return the $55,000 because that money was “promised” to her by my in-laws for building them a house.

My wife refused to return the money, not only because we don’t believe Jackie but because we can’t afford to withdraw this from our savings account. As a result, Jackie has written letters and sent text messages that are very nasty and hurtful.

Her tirades are now bordering on harassment. We have asked her to stop sending text messages and to call us or meet in person instead, but she refuses. Recently, my wife reached out to Jackie with an olive branch on Jackie’s birthday, sending a nice card with a beautiful message. In return, Jackie sent back the card and enclosed in it a four-page letter that was extremely hurtful.

I thought about reaching out to her husband, “Leon,” but he’s very unstable, too. Their son, who is in college but can’t drive because of previous accidents, called us crying the other day because his father is threatening suicide because he is tired of driving his son everywhere. You can’t make this stuff up.

We are very concerned about Jackie’s mental health. My wife, daughter and I believe that Jackie needs counseling to get a better grip on reality. I am also concerned about my wife, who is taking all of this very hard. What should we do? — Family Feuding

Dear Feuding: I’ll start with the two people you and your wife can control: you and your wife. This familial stress is negatively impacting her health, and it sounds as if it’s doing a number on yours, too. Make your own mental health a priority and consider attending some counseling.

Now, I also believe that Jackie would benefit from therapy. But until she believes that herself, there’s little you can do. You might be able to get help for her husband, whether he wants it or not, however. Laws vary by state. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255) for more information about the steps you can take. When a person threatens to kill himself, it’s always best to take him seriously.

Try to be there as much as you can for your nephew. Maybe you could give him a ride once or twice a week. This would alleviate some of the pressure his father is evidently feeling, but more importantly, it would show your nephew that he’s not alone. It sounds as if he is bearing the brunt of his parents’ issues and could use some help.

Send your questions dearannie@creators.com. for Annie Lane to