‘Boys will be boys,’ but it’s time to be men

Those of us who use social media were met Monday by an avalanche of posts from female users containing simply the phrase ‘me too.’ The overwhelming number of these posts was stimulated by the flood of testimonials from female actors relating their experiences with the sexually inappropriate behaviour of film producer Harvey Weinstein and other male members of the ‘Hollywood’ community. The two tiny words have sparked a widespread conversation about the hyper-masculinised ‘rape culture’ that continues to permeate our society and forms a direct challenge to all men to ‘step up’ and face a reality that is too often denied, mineralized, or excused altogether. They shine a cold hard light on the reality of life, not only for those in the public eye, but for virtually every female with whom we share our space.

The extent of this ‘movement,’ initiated a decade ago by black activist Tarana Burke and reignited by actor Alyssa Milano, has come as a shock to men everywhere, who now have no choice but to face the fact that the inappropriate and unwanted sexual aggression recounted exist not only in the rarefied world of Hollywood glitter, but permeate society at all levels. We awoke to a stark confrontation with the fact that sexual aggression occurs all the time, everywhere, and affects not just the famous and notorious, but our wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, employers, and bosses. Faced with this, it becomes impossible to maintain the myth that somehow women who suffer this abuse bring it upon themselves because of the way they dress, drink, or otherwise behave, and points out clearly that the responsibility for its prevalence depends entirely upon the world of men.

All of us, male and female, have been raised in a society in which ‘masculine’ behaviour is rooted in the aggression of contact sports, physical strength, and an ever-present potential for violence Men we are told, are genetically driven to seek out dominance and power and that one of the rewards for this comportment is the freedom to treat women as objects designed for our gratification and selfaffirmation. It is up, in extension, to women and girls to accept this reality and to behave accordingly.

All of this is reflected in, and supported by, the hyper-sexualisation of the female body regardless of context and, even more sadly, regardless of the age and vulnerability of the women involved. Women in all walks of life and in virtually all age groups are encouraged to emphasize their physical attractiveness and are judged accordingly. Regardless of their talents, women are encouraged to take advantage of their sexuality in order to prosper and, in the performing arts community especially, physical attractiveness plays as big a role as anything else in terms of success and prosperity.

The phenomenon of course, exists not only within the artistic community. During last year’s US Presidential election, considerable attention was paid to the ‘frumpiness’ of candidate Hillary Clinton, her wardrobe, and her lack of sex appeal. Instead, perhaps the most experienced and qualified candidate to ever seek the office was defeated by a clearly out of his depth self-admitted sexual predator, with a long history of inappropriate and ‘entitled’ sexual misbehaviour who once proudly and publically ruminated upon the sexual attractiveness of his own16-year old daughter. Even more appallingly, the ‘groper-inchief’ even garnered the support of the majority of (white) women in the contest, in spite of his obvious and clumsy ‘creepiness.’

The sexual exploitation of and violence against women and girls, of course, is not confined to Western society and, despite its failures, the west has done much to express at least the desire for female equality and empowerment, but as in many other areas of life, the gap between expressed desires and reality is vast and complex and forces us to recognize that laws and rules are simply not enough to put an end to such a pervasive societal characteristic and that a fundamental change in attitudes must occur at the basic level of our understanding of what ‘masculinity’ means, what it implies, and the power arrangements implicit in even the most casual encounters. It becomes incumbent upon men to recognize that women – even the ones they love and cherish, and whom they swear to protect – face daily challenges that are to them incomprehensible. Men do not have to live in a state of constant wariness in all aspects of their lives, whether at work, at play, at home, or even walking down a public street. We are not constantly forced to be aware of our appeal to the opposite sex and nor are we expected to comply with its expectations and deal with the condemnation and threats that can accompany the failure to do so. Nor is it assumed that any successes we might enjoy in our professional lives are the result of our sexual availability. No successful man is ever accused of ‘sleeping his way to the top.’

So pervasive is this toxic masculinity that its negative effects are not confined to women alone. For men, their sense of success, worthiness, and ‘manhood’ often depend on the ability to enjoy ‘sexual conquest’ in profusion, while similar behaviour among women is universally frowned upon and often punishable. Sexually promiscuous men are lauded for the ‘notches on the belts; women, on the other hand’ are simply sluts.

It is virtually impossible for any decent man to read the endless tales of uncomfortable or violent experiences of women and girls to not come to understand that virtually all men – regardless of whether they themselves are physically aggressive – play a crucial role in their perpetuation. We laugh at the jokes, we make the snide remarks, and we wallow in our sexual successes. We look the other way when the lines that are crossed are beyond the acceptable and we endlessly encourage each other to ‘man up.’

Now, it is true that women are not alone in being sexualized in our modern society and neither are they the only victims of sexual aggression. But this is not the time to paraphrase, to change ‘Women’s lives matter” to ‘All lives matter. Of course they do, but for women, these lives are dangerous, fearful, and unpredictable in a way that is entirely alien to those of men. We can no longer make excuses.

It is up to all of us, but especially men, to examine the nature of what it means to ‘be a man’ and to stand up for what we want that phrase to mean. The ball is not in the other court; we own the ball. We own the court. It’s time we own our own responsibility as well. We need to not only want to be decent men; we must learn to understand what that means.