Black Friday ideas

Tomorrow is Black Friday in the United States and, unwilling to keep it to themselves, elsewhere in the world as well. In fact, many believe that Black Friday was named after the Black Plague because it keeps spreading and spreading and spreading.

(Incidentally, in Scotland, Black Friday is known as “The Day of Bonny Wee Prices”; in France, it is “le vendredi coquin” or “naughty Friday.” In Canada, Black Friday goes by the name “Boxing Day.”)

Black Friday is traditionally the Friday immediately following American Thanksgiving – which is the wrong Thanksgiving, I think we can all safely agree. October is the correct Thanksgiving. What is there to be thankful for in November? Winter tires? The chalky remnants of Rockets in the Halloween bowl? Local columnists who are turning 52 on Black Friday yet undeniably retain an endearing boyish quality?

If Thanksgiving is about being thankful for turkey and extended family sleeping on pull-out couches, Black Friday is about being thankful for sweatshops that make it possible for items to generate a profit even when marked down 50%.

The over-amped consumption, the hysterical crowds, the outbreak of violence – but, again, let’s stop talking about American Thanksgiving. Instead, let’s focus on how Black Friday works. It works because of hype, marketing and instilling rampant consumerism with a benign sense of tradition and the false promise of happiness. Also, you save a butt-load of money.

Generally, the marketing concept is simple: retailers drastically mark down prices, usually on big-ticket items like appliances, electronics and furniture. But consumers are quick to become desensitized, and retailers are constantly coming up with clever ideas to lure customers. These are not those ideas.

Bad Black Friday Ideas

•Shooters for Shoppers: 40% off on selected items; 40% alcohol in gulp-size portions

•“We’ve eliminated janitorial services and passed the savings on to YOU!”

•Extra 10% off for all men sexier than Blake Shelton (limited to the first 10,000 customers)

•Target’s Mega-colossal Black Friday Blowout Extravaganza With Marbles On The Floor!!!

•Extra 90% off for all men who can prove they have never engaged in sexually inappropriate behaviour

•Purchase a Sony 54-inch LED HDTV for $489.99, get a bonus used sponge

•“We’ve Turned Up the Heat on Savings and in Our Store to Public-hazard Levels!”

•Post your most violent shopping video and win a year’s supply of pretzels. #punchingforpretzels

•Zero Down, Zero Interest, Zero Fulfilment!

•IKEA’S “You Know What’s Cheaper Than Buying at 20% Off? Buying Nothing At All!” Sale

•“Come see Rite-aid’s ‘Lozenges of the Stars’ diorama!”

•10% off things you think you need; 20% off things you definitely don’t need

•Apple Store’s ritualized shaming of iphone6 users

•“We’ve Slashed Our Prices! Our Employees Are Literally Running With Sharp Knives! Look Out!”

•Free toaster for anyone turning 52, though you’d never know it to look at them

•Free shipping for narcissists

•“Islands In The Stream” on infinite loop throughout the store

•15% off gifts your spouse is probably going to hate anyway

•Buy 1 particle accelerator, get the second at 50% off (some restrictions and laws of physics apply)

•Black Friday in Canada

•Black Friday in general

•#Blackfridaysmatter

I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at Black Friday. There are many savings to be had in this column. In other words, this column is more than a bit off.