Cleaning up son’s messes Dear Annie

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2017

Dear Annie: A while ago, my husband and I cosigned a car loan for my son. At the time, he was very financially stable. After about 2 1/2 years into the loan, we started getting late notices, as he was in financial difficulty. He ran into a situation with his job and was brought up on charges with the law. The car was eventually totaled, but I have found out there is still a balance of about $5,500. Now the car company is looking to us for payment. He apparently was never on the loan; only my husband and I are. He has ruined our credit, to say the least, which has caused a rift in the family.

About a year ago, he placed us in charge of our granddaughter’s 529 plan. There is about $27,000 left in the account. I recently got an email stating that my granddaughter is dropping out of college and that he wants to transfer the funds to his younger daughter. He wanted me to sign over the account to his ex-wife. I definitely do not want to do this. She is a spender, so I am afraid the children would never get the money for their education. I would like to stay in charge.

My dilemma is this. I have called the company the plan is with, and because I am the owner, I could withdraw the $5,500 owed to the car company. I would like to get this behind us. My husband and I are retired and just barely making ends meet, so there is no way we could ever pay back this loan on our own and have our credit restored. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. — Sad Parents

Dear Sad Parents: The problem is that your son keeps leaving messes behind that he expects you and your husband to clean up.

You and your husband are living on a fixed income, and you should not have to pay the $5,500 that your son owes to his car company. I would talk to an attorney to find out the best way to proceed and to make sure any additional funds (after the $5,500 has been paid to your son’s car company) go to your granddaughter’s education and not to your son’s ex-wife. I know it costs money to hire a lawyer, but you will save in the long run. You want to avoid Shakespeare’s warning that “the sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.”

Dear Annie: In the past few years, I have learned to hate weddings. The ceremony is at an early hour, and then there is a long delay before the reception begins. What are guests supposed to do between those times, especially those who have traveled a great distance? I was at one wedding where the cocktail hour seemed to go on forever, and then the receiving line was formed as we were finally going in to dinner. There were about 300 guests, so you can imagine how long that took.

There were several dinner courses, and the dance music played at an incredible volume throughout. It was impossible to converse with one’s dinner companions.

When my daughter was getting married, we arranged that the formal photographs were taken before guests arrived. The ceremony started on time. The reception followed immediately after. The cocktail hour was just that — one hour. The meal was served promptly. And the dinner music was quiet. The dance music started only after dessert had been served, and guests had the option of taking their dessert and coffee in a lounge adjacent to the main hall, in the event that they weren’t interested in the dancing and loud music.

I’m sharing this story in the hope that others will be inspired. Let’s bring back a time when brides and bridegrooms actually considered the needs and comfort of their guests. — Mother of the Bride

Dear Mother of the Bride: As long as the couple don’t mind seeing each other before the ceremony, taking photographs then is a great way to save everyone time and ensure the dance floor is full of happy guests later on.

Dear Annie: Please settle an argument that has been raging in my household — more specifically, my kitchen — for years. My husband, “Steve,” will use the same sponge to clean dishes, wipe counters, scrub floors and even wash the car. Who knows how many times axle grease residue has been left on my plates? Daily, I microwave our sponges or run them through the dishwasher, just in case Steve’s been “cleaning” again.

On the flip side, I use paper towels for most of my kitchen cleaning because of the “ick” factor. However, Steve thinks I’m being wasteful, economically and environmentally. I would like to reduce the number of paper towels we use as a household, but I don’t know the best alternative. So, Annie, what’s the best way to clean the kitchen? Paper towels? Sponges? Something else entirely? — Ick in Indiana

Dear Ick: You’re both right. Sponges are breeding grounds for germs, and using them across surfaces without properly cleaning them first does more harm than good. And paper towels do a number on the environment — to the tune of 18 million trees cut down annually for U.S. households.

The best solution here, as with any other conflict in marriage, lies in compromise. Cut up old T-shirts to use as rags, which you’ll find you can often use when you would have used paper towels. Use paper towels when necessary, e.g., wiping down the toilet or soaking up grease (which would be damaging if it drained into your pipes). With sponges, designate different colors for different purposes.

Dear Annie: I felt compelled to respond to the letter from “Bah Humbug.” She hosts the family dinners, which are never reciprocated, and her in-laws leave with all the food at the end.

This is similar to my situation. Your options for her were good ones. May I suggest a few more I’ve learned from experience?

1) Have gatherings at times other than the actual holiday. Keep the actual day for plans with your immediate family.

2) Assign specific types of dishes family members are requested to bring, and announce what you will provide.

3) Cook smaller portions for dinner and/or separate out your own “leftovers” in different pans, or cook ahead of time and keep yours in the fridge or freezer. (I learned to do this a long time ago. Works great.)

4) Structure the time of the event. Say: “Plan on being at our house at noon. We will eat at 1 and finish by 4.”

5) Plan to go to a movie, see holiday lights or do something that gets everyone out the door. No one else has to go, but make clear that everyone has to leave your home when you do.

6) Keep in mind that this will feel uncomfortable the first time. It will get easier and become expected after a couple of times. You will be teaching your children how to manage these situations throughout their own lives. And you will meet your own needs and have freedom of choice about your own holidays. It will change your expectations of the extended family members and make them responsible for whatever relationship they choose to continue with one another, and you will be happier in the end.

Obviously, I feel strongly about this. I went through about 20 years of these dinners falling in my lap and feeling taken advantage of. As I started taking steps to structure these events, things improved greatly. Happy holidays! — The Main Host

Dear Main Host: You’re clearly a pro. Though this season’s holidays are nearly done, I’m sure there are some hosts already dreading next year’s. Your plan of attack might offer hope.

Dear Annie: They say that you’ll never forget your first love and that forbidden love excites the most desire, and lately I’ve been thinking nonstop about my first love. I’m not talking about a man. I’m talking about soccer! At 6 years old, I learned what it feels like to be completely free, present and powerful when I stepped on the field and scored my first goal for the Super Soccer Sisters. Every fall, spring and summer was spent engrossed in the sport until I went to college, at which point I stopped because of emotional instability and an eating disorder. Last year, at 25, I joined an adult league and was seriously lit up the minute I stepped back onto the field. Unfortunately, my legs aren’t what they used to be, and I ended up with a minor concussion from a tackle and a torn ankle ligament.

My mom (half-joking, half-serious) says, “You’re not a teenager anymore. You’re getting old.” She thinks I should retire my cleats. Though I’m no spry teenager, I believe I could get back into it with proper agility training. Annie, the thought of never feeling the joy of soccer again firsthand upsets me so much. Should I keep with it and risk hurting myself more or move on and just look forward to kicking the ball around with my kids down the road? — Craving Kicks

Dear Craving Kicks: I have a feeling you’ll be kicking yourself later if you don’t give soccer another go. Your brain is precious, and concussions are serious, but there are steps you can take short of quitting the sport. Invest in a soft helmet designed for soccer, and talk to your doctor about other recommended precautions. Then dust off those cleats. Living well isn’t just about living as safely as possible, after all. It’s about following your bliss off the sidelines.

Dear Annie: I’ve been working within my industry for over 25 years. I’ve been working at my current firm for a year. Recently, we advertised a job opening. As regional manager, I screened the applications and passed my selections on to human resources to finalize. The candidate I preferred was a woman with 24 years of experience, “Barb.” Barb was making $115,000 per year but said she was willing to take a cut. We decided to offer her the job.

When I got a copy of the offer letter from HR, I was astonished that the head of HR, “Sarah,” had offered Barb $120,000. My other seven sales reps’ salaries were averaging between $100,000 and $105,000. Only one of them was making $110,000, and he has 19 years of experience.

I had a talk with Sarah as to the reason for this unfairness. Her reply was that she had crunched the industry salaries on the market and decided to offer this amount. I told her, “But she’s close to my actual salary!” I told Sarah that if my other sales reps were to hear Barb’s salary, they’d start underperforming or quit.

To make the frustration worse, now, after three months, I’ve been informed that Barb was also offered six weeks of vacation time. I, as regional manager, get four weeks. My boss cannot believe what’s going on, either. I’m wondering whether Sarah is just a chauvinist person. My boss and I will have a talk with our vice president about this. What do you propose, Annie? — Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: The system your firm has in place to decide on compensation doesn’t seem to be working. This is an organizational issue, and you should raise it as such — not as an issue of Sarah’s being a “chauvinist” — when you speak with the vice president. Drop the name-calling and finger-pointing, as they only reflect poorly on you.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to: dearannie@creators.com.