50 alternative celebrations for Canadian Olympic medalists

1.Raise

a fist in the air.

2.Raise both fists in the air. 3.Raise one fist in the air and with the other fist pretend to write your signature on a lucrative sponsorship deal for Bart’s Anti-chafing Sauce.

4.Keep your arms flat against your side but stick both hands out and waddle like a penguin. Level of difficulty +2 if you do this while strapped to a snowboard.

5.Point to the crowd.

6.Point to the crowd and yell, “Those glasses don’t suit the shape of your face!” 7.Kiss the ground.

8.Lick the ground.

9.Make slow, sweet love to the ground but only after obtaining unambiguous consent from the ground. 10.Adjust yourself, flamboyantly. 11.Breastfeed, defiantly. 12.Lead the crowd in a rousing chant of “Mor-de-cai! Mor-de-cai!” 13.Hug your parents.

14.Hug your partner.

15.Hug your dog.

16.Call security because there should not be dogs allowed at this event, clearly.

17.Hug a stranger but only after obtaining unambiguous consent from the stranger.

18.Lead the crowd in singing the opening theme to “The Beachcombers.” 19.Cry ugly for 12 straight minutes. 20.Grab a bottle of water and gargle loudly for as long as possible.

21.Deal openly with your daddy issues.

22.Approach the crowd and take a Canadian flag from a cheering spectator.

23.Return to the crowd and apologize to spectator for taking his flag.

24.Wrap the Canadian flag around your shoulders.

25.Wrap the Canadian flag around your waist.

26.Wrap the Canadian flag in festive paper and attach a gift card that reads, “To Canada, with sincerest affection.”

27.Wrap the Canadian flag around your face in recognition of the plight of our First Nations peoples.

28.Wrap the Canadian flag around your head like a turban because it looks pretty.

29.Stuff the Canadian flag into your fist, then open it and, voila! Disappeared!

30.Celebrate vigorously then quickly begin agonizing about Canada winning so many medals, wondering aloud whether this is the Canadian way and whether it changes the nature of who we are as a nation.

31.Taunt an American.

32.Tell reporters you’ve had a dream since you were a child, and in that dream, former “Baywatch” model Kimberly-ann Thiessen becomes a bank robber, only it turns out there wasn’t a Kimberly-ann Thiessen on “Baywatch”; it was Tiffani Thiessen, so “Kimberlyann” must be her criminal alias, and while you’re helping her buy hiking gear, she starts having a face on the back of her head too, then briefly transforms into a beast before finally becoming a giant baby chick with laserbeam eyes. And then you wake up to discover you’ve wet the bed.

33.Take advantage of this rare public platform to earnestly remind people that the 2017 CBC Canada Read’s panel totally blew it. #neverforget

34.Make other obscure references that only Canadians will understand, and very few of them at that. 35.Thank your parents. 36.Thank your coaches. 37.Thank Honeymoon Suite. 38.Remind all the young people out there watching that “podium” is not a verb.

39.As the national anthem is played, stomp your feet to the beat in a tribute to beloved Canadian music icon Stompin’ Tom Connors.

40.Sing along with the national anthem but change the lyrics to “If you’ve got Trouble, wait don’t run, this kind of Trouble is lots of fun! Pop-o-matic pops the dice. Pop a six and you move twice! We stand on guard for thee.” 41.Bite your medal.

42.Coat your medal in Nutella. 43.Coat yourself in Nutella. 44.Fit the whole medal in your mouth.

45.Smack yourself hard in the face with your medal and take advantage of free, convenient Canadian health care.

46.Legally change your name to Goldie Mcmedalist.

47.Release the doves of peace from your pants.

48.Graciously offer to do a Timmie’s run.

49.Return to your day job and relative obscurity for the next four years.

50.Tweet.