Dating with autism Dear Annie

FRIDAY, MARCH 9, 2018

Dear Annie: I am a 36-year-old man living with my father. I also have autism, and because of this, I have had difficulty in dating women.

For a few years, I was on the dating website called I Love Your Accent (I had been on 10 other sites prior to that), which matches American and British singles, but nothing happened.

Then, last fall, I downloaded the app UK Social and became friends with a British girl from Birmingham. As it turned out, she was not trustworthy. She asked for money, and I had to end the conversation. My mother got upset and intervened.

Now I am starting a relationship with a girl around here named “Erin.” There is a problem: She is somewhat nerdy and has the same condition I have. What should I do? Should I wait for the ideal girl to come around or stay with Erin and see what happens? — Ethan in Hanover

Dear Ethan in Hanover: There’s no such thing as an ideal girl. There is only a girl who is ideal — or close enough to ideal — for you. Don’t dismiss Erin simply because she’s “nerdy.” If she’s a nerd, that just means she has interests she’s passionate about. Strong interests make people interesting. And if you both have autism spectrum disorders, you might find that you understand each other in a unique way. I say give it a try. You don’t need to make any major decisions right away, but go on some more dates with Erin and see how you two get along. Good luck.

Dear Annie: Recently, you printed a letter from “Betty,” who wrote about the death of a friend and how she was treated by family.

I loved her suggestions regarding caring for the dying. Back in 2013, my 92-year-old mother went downhill in a hurry. We called in the angels from hospice, and they talked us into using a hospital bed in a second bedroom. Even though I wished there were some way for her to continue sleeping with my dad, she became too fragile to move.

The day we were warned that her struggle was not to last very long, my dad and I took up a vigil. Most of the time, we were both with her, praying the rosary and talking softly to her, reminiscing about happy times. Shortly after midnight, I needed to take a break and went into the living room with the nurse. Not five minutes later, I heard my dad’s chair creak, and by the time I got to the doorway, he was kissing her goodbye. He passed me without a word and went to bed. I sincerely believe she was waiting until she could be alone with him before letting go.

When my dad and I had a chance to talk about it much later, he agreed that he was happy to have had alone time with her. I thought he needed my presence to bring him comfort. I think I should have given him more alone time with her. They had been married for over 73 years, and except for during World War II, they had very rarely spent bedtime away from each other. — Fortunate Daughter

Dear Fortunate Daughter: I believe your letter will touch many hearts, as it certainly touched mine. Thank you for writing.

Dear Annie: I have a beautiful daughter in her mid20s. She is attractive, bright, friendly and hardworking. She has so much going for her. She does have a peculiar bad habit: She picks her nose in public. It’s not just a quick pick when no one is looking. This is a thorough deep cleaning without a tissue.

I have tried to talk to her about this, but her response is: “People need to accept me for who I am. If they don’t like me because I pick my nose, I don’t need them as friends.” I can’t help but think that her behavior is more than just a bad habit. I think there is a deep-rooted problem that drives her to do this. I think she uses it as a test to see whether people accept her and, perhaps, to drive some people away.

I have discussed this with other members of our family and her friends. They all say about the same thing: “If she wants to pick her nose, let her pick her nose.” I love her and want to see her succeed in life. I think her habit is holding her back socially, and it may affect her in her future career. I can’t help but think that this a form of personal sabotage.

I don’t know how to continue bringing up the subject and find the right words to encourage her to take a good look at her habit and understand why she is doing this. I hope you have some ideas for me. — Dad Who Cares

Dear Dad Who Cares: Ick. On the one hand, the friends and family members are right. You can’t force someone to give up a bad habit, no matter how gross or self-destructive the habit might be. On the other hand, I can’t blame you for trying. If the social damage doesn’t deter her, fine, but she should consider the damage to her health. According to New York University otolaryngologist Erich Voigt, picking your nose introduces germs while also “causing little abrasions,” and the blood from the abrasions then provides food for the germs. That means your daughter’s nose could be home to dangerous bacteria. As I said earlier, ick. I hope she is moved to kick this nasty habit, pronto.

Dear Annie: I was watching the TV show about Queen Victoria when I read the letter from Paul in Sonora, who asked why American women are obsessed with British royals. It’s simple, really. In a monarchy, women have real power. American politics are all about men and their submissive little wifeypoos (and the side dishes whom the wifeys know all about but pretend not to). It’s refreshing to see a system that cannot continue without the contribution of strong women. There’s also the continuity. Even if a president’s family members are likable, they are gone in eight years. Whatever else changes in Britain, the royal family is always there. — Jane in Virginia

Dear Jane: Thank you for the insights into royal fever. I hadn’t considered these causes, but I think you’re onto something.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to

dearannie@creators.com.