Retirement to bring new headaches Dear Annie

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2018

Dear Annie: After working my whole life, I am retiring in a couple of weeks. I’ve been looking forward to some downtime, sleeping in, time for myself and time to do the things I want to do, but a problem has appeared.

My husband wants me to take care of his 97-year-old semi-invalid father, who expects a full cooked breakfast every morning at 7 o’clock. On top of that, my son and his wife, who work different shifts, expect me to care for their screaming 2-year-old toddler and their new baby, who is due in a few weeks.

I hate to say “no” to my family, but what about me? What should I do? — Distressed in Utah

Dear Distressed: Don’t think of it as saying “no” to your family. Think of it as finally saying “yes” to yourself.

Someone was taking care of your father-in-law up until this point. Can that person continue to do so, at least in some capacity? Perhaps you could hire a parttime caregiver who could be with him during the day. Surely, you and your husband can come up with a plan that doesn’t require you to serve as 24/7 nurse and chef. The same goes for your son and his wife. They should not rely entirely on you for child care. Baby-sitting should be a favor, not a duty.

Though setting boundaries may lead to some conflict with family members in the short term, it will make for healthier, less resentful relations in the long term. Congrats on your retirement.

Dear Annie: I am a gay man in my late 20s, and I’ve found myself in a very confusing situation. I could use some advice. My best friend, a woman I’ve known for almost 15 years, and I are so close we’re almost like siblings. I spend holidays with her family and take vacations with them. Her parents consider me one of their children. She has three elder siblings, a sister and two brothers. I am incredibly close to all of them, especially one of her brothers, “Bryan.”

Bryan is like a brother to me. We tell each other we love each other. If he were gay, I would most likely be in a relationship with him. So compatible are we that his parents often joke that we would make the perfect couple, and they say they would be so happy if that were something that could somehow be possible.

However, my fraternal relationship with Bryan has always sort of had an undertone of his appreciating the fact that I find him attractive. It’s not uncommon for him to take his shirt off and ask me whether I think his workouts are paying off. I know that this is quite common with other people, too; straight men often relish the idea that they are the object of desire for gay men. But recently, it’s come to a weird apex.

Now, I should probably mention that he has a girlfriend whom he loves and is about to move in with. But I still have these complicated feelings. Is he just teasing me? Is he just joking?

I don’t know how to process this or how to move forward. I love him like a brother, but I would definitely be intimate with him if he wanted. I’m so confused. Could you lend a hand? — Confused

Dear Confused: I take it Bryan is confused, too. But that’s no excuse for his selfish behavior. He is using you for attention and validation, not only deceiving you — by giving you false hope for a relationship — but also deceiving his girlfriend. Tell him this needs to stop, and give yourself space and time to get over your feelings for him.

Dear Annie: My wife, “Andrea,” bumped into an old friend, “Gary,” at our tennis club’s New Year’s Eve party. They were friends in high school, but he moved out of the area for college and didn’t move back until recently. (His parents have both fallen ill, and he and his wife are taking care of them.) At the New Year’s Eve party, Gary and my wife exchanged a passionate kiss on the dance floor at midnight. Our other friends in attendance looked at me to see what my reaction would be, seeing as Andrea and I have been married for 20 years. Needless to say, I was shocked and embarrassed and could only look on in astonishment. The rest of the evening was ruined. On the way home, I asked Andrea what that kiss was all about. She told me that she and Gary were just good friends. I told her that regardless of whether they were old friends or not, that kind of behavior was very hurtful to me and very inappropriate. She insisted it was nothing, just a friendly kiss between old friends.

Gary will be hosting a party and invited my wife and some of their other old friends. For obvious reasons, I’m uncomfortable with her going.

Annie, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve always tried to make Andrea feel special. I’ve remembered every important holiday. We have a nice home and go on trips.

Anyway, I guess my immediate question is: Should I attend the party at Gary’s if asked? Should I insist that I attend? Should I talk over expected behavior? — Crisis in California

Dear Crisis: I think you should go to Gary’s dinner party with your wife and talk over expected behavior beforehand, if she insists on going. But her past behavior is as hurtful as it is bewildering. It’s impossible to tell exactly what she’s thinking from your letter. She may be having a midlife crisis and trying to relive her high school days; she may be acting deliberately cruel; she may be telling the truth when she says the kiss meant nothing to her. But the point is it meant something to you, and that’s reason enough to take it seriously. What I can say for sure is that marriage counseling would help get to the root of these issues. Implore her to give it a try, and if she refuses, seek counseling on your own.

Dear Annie: I am a few years older than “Sad Grandpa,” who wrote to you about being bullied, and I wish you would tell him something. When I was a child, I participated in bullying, and at this time in my life, I cannot relate at all to the mean little girl who did that. Please tell him that I suffer every day of my life for what I did. There are no words to say how sorry I am for that. — Ex-bully

Dear Ex-bully: I’m glad you wrote. The idea that bullies could one day look back on their actions with shame and remorse might give a young person reading this some comfort. At the very least, it shows how life is long and rife with opportunities for learning, growing and starting over.

Please do not torment yourself over things you did as a child. Where you’re going matters far more than where you’ve been. If you’re interested in volunteering to help victims of bullying today, visit https://www.stopbullying.gov.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.