A world record is a world record

W. Somerset Maugham said, “There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”

A good friend of mine, Dennis Spooner, was a scriptwriter for television shows like “Jason King” and “The Avengers” (when Diana Rigg and Joanna Lumley were Emma Peel). He told me that there are only five storylines and that everything is a version of one of them.

Spooner (who died of heart trouble in 1986 at the age of 53) always added a bridge element to his scripts. For example, in one episode the bad guy was known to own two nightclubs. What was his name?

Spooner also wrote amusing bridge stories under the headline “Diary of a Palooka.” This deal appeared in the original edition of “Popular Bridge Monthly” in 1974 (now defunct). It is described as it happened, with Spooner and his anonymous partner setting a world record that has probably not been matched.

Spooner wrote: “As a palooka (a weak player), I know how disconcerting it can be when you take away another palooka’s conventional bid, so I sailed in with two diamonds. I felt I had a good out anyway.

“My left-hand opponent doubled for penalty, and this bid was passed around to me. My moment of glory had come. So this is how Belladonna (a 16-time world champion) feels. With superior confidence and a smug look on my face, I redoubled. There follow three passes.

“In a stunned stupor I watched my partner table his hand.”

In his 0-0 fit, Spooner took four tricks for down four, minus 1,400 in those days. And East-west had no game available.

The bad guy’s name was Stayman — two clubs Stayman!