Addiction affecting household Dear Annie
FRIDAY, APRIL 6, 2018
Dear Annie: My 52-year-old stepdaughter is on drugs and has been for 20 years. Her mom has had her removed from our home four or five times, but she is now back living here. She is causing so much stress to the whole family, and we do not know where to go for help. She refuses to go to any type of rehab.
She is paranoid — barricading herself in her bedroom with a dresser nailed against the door, such that she has to enter from outside the house. She is becoming physically abusive to her mom, who is frail. She was once arrested for physically abusing an elderly gentleman.
We, as well as her younger sister and her family, are at our wits’ end as to what to do, where to go and whom to contact for help with her. Suggestions, please! We must do something before it is too late. — Need Help
Dear Need Help: I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I can tell you’re at a point of desperation. It’s painful, scary and frustrating to feel as though you’re at the mercy of a family member’s addiction and mental illness. But you do not have to be. It’s time to take back your home and ensure the safety of your wife. Your stepdaughter poses a threat to your wife’s safety, and this constitutes an emergency, so contact the authorities to remove her from the house (again). For further guidance, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline (800-950-6264).
Dear Annie: Your response to “We Deserve Happiness” was good for some situations but may have missed one serious reason a widow’s adult children might object to his new relationship with her. “Mom” may be suffering from the early or middle stages of dementia. These symptoms can be very well-hidden from new people in a person’s life, but adult children would be very much aware of the progression of the disease and would be right to be protective of their parent’s well-being.
My mom suffered with vascular dementia for 10 years before recently passing. She was very good at hiding her symptoms, even with some family members, and faking her familiarity with a person or situation, giving outward appearances that she was just fine. In reality, her disease was progressing, and she confided to my brother and me that her brain was just not working as it used to. We had to keep a close and protective eye on her, especially when new people came into the picture, because of the high risk of someone’s taking advantage of her sweet and giving nature — and several did try. — Dawn
Dear Dawn: I am so sorry for your loss. I would never discourage children from protecting their parent in such a situation. Bless you for looking out for your mom, just as she once looked out for you.
Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our 60s and now both retired. About 18 months ago, I picked up his cellphone by mistake. (We had very similar phones at the time.) I discovered he was texting a former coworker who is an attractive 30-something divorcee and who, when I first met her, introduced herself as my husband’s “work girlfriend.”
The texts were sent early in the morning while he was still in bed. I saw he had sent her texts saying he hoped she had a special and lovely day, with hearts and kissy-face emoticons. Her replies had the same emoticons.
I recalled that I had been wondering why he was getting messages all night long and always had his phone by his side. I hadn’t questioned it, because I completely trusted him.
Let me also mention that when he was still working, there were times when just the two of them were assigned to work together remotely. He says nothing ever happened.
When confronted about the messages, he admitted he had a strong attraction to her but insisted nothing physical had ever happened between them. He said the words he used in his messages were merely “terms of endearment” and he was only trying to encourage her because she was going through a rough patch at work. I reminded him that I was, too, but never once did he use those terms with me or send me kissy-face encouraging messages. Matter of fact, he’d tell me to shut up when I was talking to him about my work issues. He did tell me, though, that she had already broken up two marriages. (Why would he tell me this?)
After I discovered the messages, I asked him to stop contact with her, and he promised he would, but a few months later I discovered they were still messaging — which he denied, even though I had proof of it. This was all crushing to me at the time because I never, for even a moment, thought my husband would cheat on me. We were solid. My husband is very involved with the church, which makes this all the more unusual.
There is so much more to this that I’m not including, Annie. Am I just being paranoid, as he claims? Can this all be just coincidental, as he claims? Is he still having an emotional affair with this person? I told him initially that I’d leave him if I found he was still in contact with her. I told him he needed to choose, and he keeps telling me I’m his one and only love. I think the only reason he’s still with me is his fear of losing touch with our children. I feel old and fat and ugly and used. Am I right? — Suspicious
Dear Suspicious: No one can make you feel old, fat and ugly without your consent. Trust in a marriage is everything. If you feel that you have lost trust in your husband, it is time to seek counseling. It could be just an innocent friendship between two co-workers, or it could be more (and he’s giving more and more reason to believe it is more). But the most important thing is to address what is going on in your mind. If you are living with a feeling of suspicion that is affecting your self-esteem, you need to seek professional help. Once you begin to feel good about yourself, you can then address the issues with your husband with a clear mind.