Traumatic past remains Dear Annie

MONDAY, APRIL 9, 2018

Dear Annie: I want to tell you my story. My father was an alcoholic wife-beater. My crib was in a corner of my parents’ bedroom, and I have a vivid memory of him beating her as I stood in my crib crying in terror. He turned to me and warned that if I didn’t shut up, I would get some of the same. I sobbed myself to sleep without anyone to comfort or reassure me.

Later, when I was a preteen, my mother and elder sister worked, so during the summer, I was left alone at home. I became afraid of being alone at home and confided my fear to my mother, hoping for reassurance. Instead, her misguided attempt to do so was to say, “But who would possibly need you?” That left me feeling worthless and unloved.

To escape, I married too early and unwisely. Predictably, because I was incapable of a good relationship, my husband abandoned me after years of a troubled marriage. And today, my sister — still suffering from sibling rivalry, even though our parents are long gone — is unsympathetic and tells me to “get over it.”

I keep to myself and tell no one of my terrible childhood and unhappy life because I don’t believe that anyone would understand or sympathize. Because I present a normal face to the world, I’m sure people would be surprised to learn how traumatic my childhood was.

I write this letter in the hope that my sad story will inspire your readers to be kind to everyone they meet in life because an individual’s heavy burden, like mine, may not be obvious. A little kindness, a warm gesture or even a smile might go a long way toward making an unhappy person’s day. — My Sad Story

Dear Sad Story: In the words of Joan Didion, “we tell ourselves stories in order to live.” Stories help us make sense of a senseless world, of the hurt and heartache that seem to come at random. But sometimes stories can stop us from really living, and in this case, it sounds as though your fixation on the story of your past is keeping you from a brighter future.

Witnessing your father abusing your mother when you were just a baby must have been awful, and I don’t mean to discount that trauma. If you want to work through that, pick up the phone and make a therapy appointment today. Or try Betterhelp or Talkspace, online therapy tools. Also, rather than assume your sister is speaking out of sibling rivalry when she tells you to “get over it,” consider that she may be speaking from love, in her own way. Even if she isn’t, you won’t be worse off for choosing to assume the best.

Once you embrace the fact that you are the author of your own destiny, you might just surprise yourself with some wonderful plot twists.

Dear Annie: Seeing as you have a wide audience, would you please pass this along to the folks who put the recycling number on their packages: Would you please make the numbers big enough to read without having to use a magnifying glass?

Some products have very easy-to-read numbers, but there are some that are so small you’re tempted to forget the recycling and toss them in the household garbage. But I feel guilty when I think that way, and then I bring out the magnifying glass. — Avid Jacksonville, Fla., Recycler

Dear Avid Jacksonville Recycler: Though I would love to think that the column could have an impact on something as big as the way recyclables are labeled, your best bet in the meantime might be to try to memorize — or keep a list handy of — what types of materials can and can’t be recycled. Find a printable guide at https://wewantrefill.com. Kudos to you for being a friend to the Earth.

Dear Annie: I am a 20-year-old woman, and I feel that my family is toxic for me. My grandfather, aunts and uncles have raised me since I was 3 years old. I do not know where my father is, and my mother is not supporting me. (It goes without saying that she and I don’t have a great relationship.)

My grandfather is the one who pays to send me to school, but in exchange for that, he treats me poorly. He asks me to do a lot of chores, such as turning on the TV for him, making coffee, cleaning his room and more. I feel as if I’m supposed to be a maid.

Additionally, he scolds me if I cannot answer his phone calls or if I do something that he doesn’t want me to do, such as going out with friends. He thinks he’s always right.

Even my uncles now treat me as if I owe them baby-sitting services. They call me all the time to be at their houses just to watch over their kids, even though they have maids at home. If I don’t comply, they get angry. They seem to want me to be brainless. They have always commented on what I should do with my life, too. They want me to go into a certain line of work that I have no interest in, for example.

For the 17 years that I’ve been with them, I’ve never felt that I am truly loved, because true love does not need anything in return. Yes, they did help me in my studies. But I never had my freedom, and I never made decisions for myself. They are so toxic. I can say that because they’ve made me cry so many times in my life. It seems I can’t do anything right.

Now that I am graduating, I want to find work that suits me and to be free. I want to be alone and decide things for myself. What can I do as a career for the rest of my life just to be away from them? Or what are the other solutions to be away from them? — Longing to Break Free

Dear Longing to Break Free: Making coffee and doing some light cleaning in exchange for room, board and tuition — that’s not a bad deal. That being said, your wish for independence is healthy — or it can be, if you act on it instead of letting it fester into bitterness and resentment. Start making plans now, as graduation will be here before you know it. See your school’s career counseling department for help building a resume and finding job leads. Additionally, sign up for job hunting sites, such as Indeed, Linkedin and Careerbuilder. Or consider more outside-the-box ways to get new experiences, such as working with World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (known as WWOOFING).

It’s time to stretch those wings and prepare to leave the nest. The distance might have a way of improving your relationships with your family members, by the way. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.