Used to the lifestyle Dear Annie

FRIDAY, APRIL 20, 2018

Dear Annie: I’m not sure whether there is any advice you can give me, but here goes. I am a 23-yearold gay man. I have been living with my 56-year-old boyfriend, “Bob,” for the past four years. I love Bob but am no longer in love with him. I would like to move out but don’t make very much money and can’t afford it. I can’t move back with either parent. My brother (who is in a real mess) lives with my mom, and my dad pretty much disowned me when I started seeing Bob. I’ve grown accustomed to the lifestyle I have with Bob. We go out to dinner often and on many exotic cruises and vacations. I’m not ready to give those up. As I said, I love Bob but am not super happy. What should I do? — Spoiled

Dear Spoiled: It’s not fair to continue using this man as a meal ticket (and plane ticket and cruise ticket). Everyone deserves to be with someone who really wants to be with him, and you’re denying Bob that opportunity. Breakups are rarely convenient, but people find ways to survive. See whether you can stay with a friend for a few weeks while you set aside enough money for renting your own room. You’re 23 years old; you should be working toward financial independence, not setting yourself up for a lifetime of relying on others. Show respect for yourself, for Bob and for the good times you shared by ending things, pronto.

Dear Annie: I disagree with your advice to “Stuck in Santa Fe.” You said she and her boyfriend should put their plans on hold while they await news of an uncertain job transfer, which may come many months down the road.

The best advice anyone ever gave me as a young man was to assume that nothing will ever change. This is not to say you should ignore the future or never plan for change. It simply means you should not put your

Congratulations to

life on hold waiting for things that may never happen.

That Santa Fe couple should live in the present, look for that better apartment and continue planning their life together now. But at the same time, they should keep looking for that next opportunity and be prepared to manage that change when it actually arrives.

If they follow my advice and the boyfriend gets the job of his dreams, they may have to lose one month’s worth of rent. But even if that happens, they will at least have been in a better apartment and building their lives. And who knows? An even better opportunity may yet take them in another direction. So my advice: Always have plans for the future and work toward them, but live your life in the present. — Fatherly Advice

Dear Fatherly Advice: I hear you. When patience becomes indolence, it’s no longer a virtue. To plan for the future but live in the present is excellent advice, so I’m glad to be printing your letter.

Dear Annie: I am writing to you looking for help with substance abuse. I would like to find a natural way of releasing myself totally from this disease, as well as from crushing grief I’m experiencing from loss.

I recently lost my kids’ father. I have taken it really hard, to the point that I lost myself. A part of me has so many regrets from all the wrong I did in my relationship because of my substance abuse. He thought I was against him, and I completely wasn’t. I was stuck in an addiction. I spoke negatively of him to some mutual friends, but that was because of my addiction, my selfishness and my need for instant gratification and validation. I regret that.

Since he passed away, I’ve truly lost the ability to look forward most days. My heart is so heavy with the pain I caused him with my substance abuse, lies and unfaithfulness.

I would really appreciate it if you could refer me to someone for help in dealing with grief and finding a way to mend the past and accept that he’s dead and in a better place so I can move on and hopefully have a future. I don’t want to see myself sitting in this same place next year. I want to see myself reaching up and building my self-esteem, self-confidence, selfworth. I want to actually believe that I am somebody and deserve to find a better place in society and, more importantly, a better place within myself. — Lost

Dear Lost: Hitting rock bottom is painful. But it’s also powerful. As cliched as it sounds, it’s true: There’s nowhere to go but up.

I strongly encourage you to see a therapist. If that’s not feasible for you at this point, please consider attending a 12-step program, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, where you might find peace in surrender and strength in solidarity. You can also call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s 24/7 National Helpline, at 800-662-4357, for referral to resources and treatment available in your state.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Dear Annie: You didn’t give any specifics to “Crowded Canal,” the woman who wasn’t sure how to get friends to stop using her house essentially like a free vacation rental. I totally understand “Crowded Canal’s” difficulty with saying a simple “no.” Perhaps she could tell her self-inviters: “We are worn-out from having so much company lately. It seems everyone is asking to visit, and I’m having trouble keeping up with all the cooking and cleaning. I’d be happy to meet you out for dinner if you come to town, because I would love to see you and could use a meal out for a change.” Maybe they’d get the hint and see themselves in the mirror. — Robin

Dear Robin: In an ideal world, one shouldn’t feel compelled to provide explanations for having boundaries. There’s really nothing wrong with simply saying “no.” But we don’t live in an ideal world, and the line you suggested is a good compromise.