It would be simpler to buy a new house

As any regular reader of this column knows my bride and I have been undergoing renovations to the Casa de la confusiòn. This time out it was the kitchen and I am happy to report everything is done but a bit of touch-up painting and some new blinds. Well, almost everything.

You see, renovations are never truly done. They have a way of continuing, morphing into totally different shapes, leading to unforeseen projects, growing exponentially like an out of control science project. Unlike a pleasant stroll in the park or a round of golf, renovations have no fixed beginning or end. So here’s a warning to those amongst you who are contemplating a new family room, a refurbished bathroom or even a simple coat of paint.

If you want to upgrade your kitchen with new cupboards, quartz counters and maybe a fancy sink and a modern floor, don’t. It is infinitely better and far easier just to shop around and buy an entirely new house that already has what you want. Sure there’s all that packing and the associated moving costs and realtor fees but on the up side you won’t have to live in a construction zone and wear a hard hat to breakfast for three months.

That being said, if you must dive head first into the renovation pool also bear in mind that no house over the age of fifteen years is perfectly square. Door frames are inevitably slightly askew, window frames are wider at the bottom and floors tend to tilt one way or the other. Any attempt to replace these items will require the talents of that rare carpenter trained in Pythagorean geometry.

Be aware that the former owner or owners of the house probably didn’t want to spend a lot of their hard-earned cash on the renovations that they carried out. Therefore, you can expect what I like to call the “shortcut” system of previous home repair. Examples include finding a large hole in the wall behind the old kitchen cabinet either designed as a secret hiding place for valuables or as a den for a pet bear. You can also expect a Gordian knot of electrical wires behind any wall that you foolishly open up. This is particularly common in older homes where the advent of multiple televisions, computers, video consoles, cable vision and micro waves outstripped the electrical system’s capacity. Any problem seems to have been solved by the random addition of wires apparently installed by a neighbour’s boy scout son using a Swiss army knife.

During any major renovation project be prepared for “selection delay.” This will vary from project to project and will depend upon who is doing said selection. You see, the advent of the bigbox store means that for every item required there is now an infinite variety of types, sizes and colours on offer. Take tiles for example. Where at one time a retailer would offer foot square tiles in six or seven patterns they can now offer you sixteen different patterns, ten different sizes, and an entire catalogue of colours including twelve shades of white. The same goes for light switches, counter tops, sinks, moulding, door knobs, hinges, base board, cabinet fixtures, light fixtures and a dozen other items. The best bet, when asked, is to merely say, “Yes, that looks nice” and go back to sanding.

One of the biggest problems in bringing any renovation to an end, as I recently found out, is the concept of “blending.” Apparently even when the room in question is finished the job is not complete unless it blends properly into the adjacent rooms. As an average man, I mistakenly thought that painting a room a particular colour was the end of the process. Not so. The household’s specialist in décor and design immediately left the kitchen and stood in the centre of the den and, shaking her head, pointed out that the room’s colour just wouldn’t do.

Now, I am sure you can see where this will lead. Once the kitchen is blended into the den then the den will have to be blended into the entry hall and the hall to the bedroom and the bedroom to the bathroom. By the time that’s done it will be time to start on the kitchen again. As I said, renovations never end.