Might tea be just tea? Dear Annie

MONDAY, APRIL 30, 2018

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years. We’re both in our 50s and attractive. I work with him as his administrator. He’s a real estate agent. Our receptionist is about 30 years old and very beautiful. She’s been with the office for five years. They talk and are office friends.

Recently, my husband bumped into her on the road. He honked to get her attention and asked her out for tea. I just so happened to call him while he was having the tea in her car, as it was a drive-thru coffee shop. When I called him, he did not disclose he was with the receptionist. He just said he was on his way home. I was suspicious, so I drove down the road he usually takes home from work. I noticed that both cars were parked near the coffee shop and that my husband was in the receptionist’s car having tea with her.

When I talked to him later, he said hadn’t told me he was with her because he thought I would have been angry. He said he wants to have a relationship with me in which he can be completely honest but knew I wouldn’t understand that it was just a friendship thing and nothing more. I talked to both of them and said it was very inappropriate behavior and it should never happen again. I have also told my husband that his phone and whereabouts should be an open book right now until he gains my trust. I do believe it was only a friendship thing, as my husband does talk and socialize with both men and women all the time. Any advice would be appreciated. Do you think it’s OK for a married man to have tea with his secretary? — Miffed

Dear Miffed: Having tea with a co-worker is perfectly OK. So why would your husband lie about it? Maybe there’s something going on between them, but it’s more likely he was trying to avoid the sort of embarrassing scene that ended up transpiring.

Take a step back and look at your actions. You immediately jumped in the car and patrolled his commute route. Then you scolded him and your longtime mutual colleague. Then you set rules he must follow to earn back your trust. All over the “very inappropriate” act of having tea with a co-worker in public. Yes, it was wrong of him to lie — but if this is any indication of your past behavior, you can’t fully blame him.

If you believe that your husband has been unfaithful, I encourage you to explore the issue together in marriage counseling. But it sounds as though, even by your own account, he’s given you no cause for real concern. If that’s the case, consider seeing a counselor on your own, someone who could help you dig up the roots of your insecurity. Whatever you do, don’t let jealousy run rampant through your relationship. Love withers among those weeds.

Dear Annie: I’ve noticed that you often recommend Families Anonymous and Al-anon to people struggling with a loved one’s drug addiction or alcoholism. Both organizations are extremely helpful. Please consider also suggesting SMART Recovery Family & Friends meetings, available in many towns and online. As stated on its website, SMART Recovery “helps those who are affected by the substance abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, or other addictions of a loved one . ... (It) is a science-based, secular alternative to Al-anon . ... SMART Recovery would like to provide you with the addiction recovery support you can use to help yourself as well (as) your loved one.” — Hope This Helps

Dear Hope This Helps: Thank you for offering up yet another resource for the friends and family of people with addictions. Support makes all the difference.

Dear Annie: One of my friends has always been bossy. She criticizes everything, from my hairstyle to my language. But she can be fun, and I’ve put up with her personality quirks, without question or correction.

All my friends know I’m not a tech person. But this one friend believes I should be. She made me an email address three or four years before I even had an internet-enabled device. She insisted that I have a cellphone because I’d “be so much easier to reach.” Even after being told not to, she sent me a Nexus, saying, “If you use it, you’ll learn to love it.”

That was the last straw. I told her to stop pushing tech on me or I’d find reasons to not spend time with her. She called me “paranoid” and accused me of “reading into” a simple gift. But she agreed to drop the subject. We went to lunch and had a lovely time afterward.

But then I was informed by her family members that they didn’t want to have any further contact with me because I’d “hurt her feelings” and been “rude.”

OK, if I’m not good enough for her family, why would she want to spend time with me? So I took back to her some things that I’d borrowed. I gave them to her, told her to have a good life and left her with her mouth hanging open.

Now a couple of friends say I overreacted. Most say they would have done the same thing.

So who is right? One says I should just put up with her; after all, everyone has flaws. Most would have blocked her and just never spoken to her again, saying no explanation would be needed. One has a long confrontation ending in a big yelling match in mind, “just to put her in her place.”

I was willing to have a different friendship, an upgrade of sorts. But I’m not willing to be the only one who changes.

How should I have handled the situation? — Tech No Dear Tech No: Friends should bring out the best in us, not the worst. I agree it wasn’t right for this woman to continue pushing technology on you after you expressly told her to stop. What I don’t understand is why you lashed out so severely after hearing from her family that she was upset. You didn’t just jump to conclusions; you took a flying leap. It almost seems as though you were waiting for the chance.

So rather than ask me and straw-poll your social circle about who’s right, you should be asking yourself whether you’re really looking to reconcile. If she is always controlling and critical toward you, perhaps the friendship is toxic. If that’s the case, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away. No yelling, no gossiping, just quiet dignity and self-respect.

Dear Annie: I have some advice for “Long-distance Grandparents.” The grandfather has not spoken to his son in 15 years but has an ongoing email exchange with his granddaughter.

Speaking from experience, I suggest he get in his car and drive to see his granddaughter. He should tell her what is in his heart. If she misses him as much as he misses her, I think she will throw her arms around him and cry. He needs to remember she was just a kid when this started.

This worked well for me, and I now have a wonderful relationship with my granddaughter. By the way, it might work for his son also. Can’t hurt to try. — Carolina Granddad

Dear Carolina Granddad: I love this suggestion. I’m printing it here for “Long-distance Grandparents’” benefit and for the benefit of anyone in a similar situation.