Husband’s taste in movies questionable Dear Annie
FRIDAY, MAY 4, 2018
Dear Annie: I know this is a subject that has come up many times, but I would like my husband and his cronies to read it at their local breakfast group. We have been married for over 40 years, but this problem only started about a year ago. He loves to watch porn on TV. It may not seem like much of a problem, but it is; it is hurtful. When I come into the room, he quickly changes channels. All the “Recommended for You” programs have naked women on them. I am not a prude in any way, but I am a 60-plus woman. I have tried to talk to him in a nonjudgmental way to let him know how much it hurts; he may not be cheating physically, but the idea is there.
This does not nearly cover how fed up and hurt I am. It’s as if I am married to a different man. We have survived all the ups and downs of a longtime marriage, but this is really straining it for me. Please don’t suggest counseling. That is not going to happen. — Just About Had It in Washington
Dear Just About Had It: I commend you for trying to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about this issue. I’m sorry to hear that he won’t hear you out. You are not overreacting. I’ve heard from many readers who are recovering from porn or sex addictions who tell me that this habit, which some might pooh-pooh as being normal and not a big deal, can quickly become a full-blown addiction. And in that regard, your husband’s behavior — the daily usage, the lying and the refusing to talk about it — indeed sounds troubling.
Instead of trying to get through to him via this column, try talking to him directly (again). Highlight the ways this behavior is impacting you and your relationship. I’d also encourage you to attend a local Sanon meeting, for family members of people with sex addictions (https://saa-recovery.org). Though it’s impossible to control anyone besides ourselves, we can control what we will and won’t accept from others. A support group could help you set and maintain boundaries.
Dear Annie: My girlfriend says she has lost trust in me, that I have lied too many times. That is not true. I am so depressed; the tears keep coming. We met three years ago, and she’s the love of my life. It took me 45 years to find her. I never want to lose her. I am at the point that if she leaves me again, I think I’ll leave the earth. I have lost my appetite and just don’t know what to do. I’m waiting on my disability payment. I have serious mental issues. I also have physical pains from my head to my toes. I am very good-looking, just very depressed, not interested in doing anything at all. I may check myself in to a psychiatric care facility. What do you think I should do? — T
Dear T: First of all, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Please seek professional help immediately. If you’re considering hurting yourself, dial 911. If you’re looking to talk to someone about what you’re feeling, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline any time of day, at 800-273-8255. The people there can also refer you to more resources. Though I know it might be impossible to believe at the moment, things will get better eventually.
Dear Annie: I recently just had a beautiful baby boy. He is the love of our lives. My husband and I want to document every smile and milestone. My husband wants to photograph me with our son. I have let him take a few pictures of me. The problem is that when I look at the pictures, I see how much weight I gained during my pregnancy and barely recognize myself. I know I’m supposed to be only focusing on the baby, but I can’t help but feel very self-conscious about how much weight I gained. It was fine when I was pregnant because I had an excuse. But now that my baby is out of my body, I just feel fat and don’t want to be in pictures. When I tell my husband to delete the pictures because I feel self-conscious, he refuses and says I would regret it later. I am working on losing the baby weight and am getting on a good track with that, but the problem is what to do about feeling self-conscious about pictures in the meantime. — Big Mama
Dear Big Mama: Congratulations on your new baby boy. It is such an exciting time in life. Please try to be patient with yourself. Pregnancy weight can take as long to get off as it took to put on. You would regret it if you were not to have many pictures of yourself with your son.
Dear Annie: I am growing increasingly tired of reading letters that complain about thank-you notes, so I’d like to offer a different perspective. By definition, a gift is “something given willingly to someone without payment.” I understand this to mean that one gives a gift freely (one is not required to give) and without expectation of payment of any kind in return (such as a note). In addition, the gift is always about the receiver, not the giver. Sometimes it seems to me that givers want feedback about what thoughtful, kind, caring, sweet people they are. That is the wrong focus.
My recommendations are: Always give the gift in person if at all possible, even if the timing is not quite right. If a gift is sent long-distance and one is worried about whether it was received, check the tracking number. And finally, if not getting a note in return is so bothersome to you, don’t give. However, that last solution seems petty to me. I think one would always want those for whom one cares or loves to know that they are thought of and remembered.
I like getting thank-you notes; I write thank-you notes. But I reject the notion that a gift establishes an obligation on the recipient to respond. — No Thanks Necessary
Dear No Thanks Necessary: I think one should always send thank-you notes for gifts, but I also think one shouldn’t hold a grudge over not receiving a thank-you — or hold a grudge over anything, for that matter. Life is short, and sometimes the best gift we can give one another is the benefit of the doubt.